Bulbs...
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How many Americans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to replace it and one to tell
him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws).
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2. Three. One to stand on the ladder, and
two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
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3. Five. One to screw it in and four to write
the environmental impact statement.
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4. One to do it and the other 156 to blabber
to the world how they've done something better than Canadians (for once).
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5. 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999
to debate whether it it was politically correct.
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How many American soldiers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Twelve. But you also need six British soldiers
for them to blow up and a slew of Pentagon lawyers and spin doctors to
explain "This tragic friendly fire incident".
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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
You wouldn't know because you weren't there,
man, you weren't there!
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How many Native Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they have council fires instead.
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How many northern Californians does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None of your f***ing business and have a nice
day.
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How many Californians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs,
they screw in hot tubs!
-
2. Three - one to change the light bulb and
two to say "Oh Wow!"
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3. Five - one to screw it in and four to sit
in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
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4. Six. One to screw it in, one for support,
and four to share the experience.
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5. Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow
the trend.
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6. Four. One to change the bulb and three
to share the experience.
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How many Oregonians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to do the work and one to hold
the umbrella.
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2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and
four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
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3. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight
to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that
powers it.
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How many hippies from Oregon does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
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How many Alaskan women does it take to change
a light bulb?
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"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have
a light bulb out over here."
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How many Alaskan men does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends
do it. [bitter laugh]
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None of your f***in' business, get outta
my way!
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2. Two - one to get murdered under the burnt-out
bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
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3. Five - one to change the bulb and four
to protect him from muggers.
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4. Twenty-one - one to change it and twenty
to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
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5. Fifty. Fifty? Yeah fifty; it's in the contract.
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How many people from New Jersey does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to
be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
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How many New Jersey State Supreme Court justices
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Fifteen - one to change the bulb, fourteen
to attempt to rehabilitate the old bulb.
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How many people from Savannah does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two - one to change it, and one blue haired
old lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.
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How many Virginians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Four, one to screw in the light bulb and three
to talk about how fine the old one was.
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How many West Virginians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in
West Virginia.
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How many people does it take to change a light
bulb in New Orleans?
-
Three. One to hold the ladder, the second
to screw the lightbulb in, and the third to bribe the public official.
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How many Canadians does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but he has to see an American
do it first.
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2. None, they get an American to do it since
they are so damned proud they know how to do it.
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3. Four. One to spray green paint onto the
bulb so no-one bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest
they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the
others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
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4. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study
committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain
that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest
that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman
from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women
have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to
the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty
on it on the way back, one actually to screw it in, one to collect taxes
on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case
of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
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How many Torontonians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to screw it in, and one to see
if that's how they do it in New York.
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2. Fifty - one to do it and the other forty-nine
to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly
world-class bulb screwing.
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3. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the
parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
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Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour
and a half away from the Centre of the Universe and just off the Interstate
in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians engaging in the old
Canadian tradition of cross-border shopping. On a weekend the parking lot
would be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you were in Canada.
Of course you could not legally return to Canada with more than $25 worth
of goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest, polite and
industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic method
for smuggling clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars
containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue
up Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours later, miraculously,
in the true American tradition of rags to riches, be transformed into trendy
and well-attired Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive
afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada Customs,
leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the exotic malls of
Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday
shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian
dollar. Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while
it lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought
back a lot of memories.
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How many Filipinoes does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting
shot at the airport.
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How many Panamanians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three, one to actually do it and the other
two to get drunk and watch.
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How many Englishmen does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly
good b***** bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked
just fine.
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How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Four. One to change it, one to hold his
racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of
bitter.
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2. Fifteen. One to change the bulb, and fourteen
to tell him what a good batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.
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How many Irishmen does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two. One says to the other, "Could you
turn the light on in here Mick? It's so dark I can't see what I'm doing."
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2. Two, one to hold the lightbulb and one
to drink till the room spins.
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3. One thousand and one. One to hold the light
bulb, and a thousand to push the house round.
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How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One hundred. One to hold the light bulb, and
ninety-nine to drink until the room starts to spin.
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How many Germans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
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1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
-
2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb
be changed and one to screw it in.
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3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Helga.
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4. Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained
quality control checkers at the Löwenbräu brewery here in the
beautiful city of Munich where they have to carefully check that each and
every stage of the beer brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient
brewing laws laid down in 1516 which set minimum standards for the purity
of the ingredients otherwise they'd be subject to extremely enormous fines
so quality control is a very important job both in terms of the quality
of all the Löwenbräu beers and of course the financial good health
of the company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops not
forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance? What we Germans
lack in humour, we make up for in our beer.
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How many Belgians does it take to change a
light bulb?
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Two. One to change it and one to put some
chips with it.
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How many Norwegians does is take to change
a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell
a long story about it...
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How many Europeans does it take to submit
a light bulb joke?
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Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
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Note: This joke was created after the creator
saw the movie 2010.
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How many Argentinians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Nine thousand and it's their light bulb.
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How many Ukrainians from Chernobyl does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
-
2. None. They just hold it up and it works.
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How many Poles does it take to change a light
bulb?
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Just one, but you need six thousand Russian
troops in case he goes on strike!
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What is the greatest Polish invention?
-
A solar-powered light bulb.
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How many Polish-Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
One hundred and seventy. One to send the Never
Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St Jude may grant
the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb,
ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb
to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organise
a lawn fête and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood
of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new
light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on
St Stanislaus' Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food,
twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else,
one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw
it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the
Monsignor to bless it.
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How many Soviet emigrés does it take
to change a light bulb?
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1. None. Soviet emigrés are used to
sitting in the dark.
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2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
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3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a
hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
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4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold
the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and
to ask which way to turn the chair.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change
a Soviet emigré?
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What do a Soviet emigré and a fifteen-watt
light bulb have in common?
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Neither one is very bright.
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A Soviet emigré climbs on a dinner
table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under
his dirty sneakers. "Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
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How many African Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
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1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive
the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
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2. Four hundred to march on the power company
and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans
to do it.
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How many Ethiopians does it take to change
a light bulb?
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Three. One to change it and two to squabble
over who gets to eat the packaging.
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How many Italian-Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
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I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's
father's boss' secretary's sister's next-door neighbour's priest's cousin's
union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus Club Seargant-of-Arms'
nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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How many Italians does it take to change a
light bulb?
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Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle
it with Parmesan.
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(Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of
sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell
convincingly of sick.)
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How many Asians does it take to change a light
bulb?
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Three. One to change it and two to go to the
Cash & Carry.
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How many Serbs does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Two - one to shoot the old bulb out and one
to screw the new one in.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity
anymore.
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How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change
a light bulb?
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1. One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe
keeping.....
-
2. Eight; two to break down the door and kill
the family, five to loot the house, and one to change the bulb.
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How many Iranians does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One hundred - one to screw it in and ninety-nine
to hold the house hostage.
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How many Shiites does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer
a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate
with Israel and the U.S. for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage
around the world!!
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How many Israelis does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Six - four to storm the room and take control
of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it
in.
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How many Arabs does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors
to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.
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How many Australians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. Australians can find beer in a dark
fridge.
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2. Two. One to say "She'll be right mate"
and one to fetch the beers.
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3. Sixteen. One to change the bulb and fifteen
to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"
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How many New Zealanders does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep
first.
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How many Prince Edward Islanders does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None, if it's winter. No one wants to lose
their pougy (unemployment insurance).
-
2. 65,000 people for thirteen weeks (in the
summer) then quit and go on pougy for the rest of the year!
-
How many armies does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
At least five. The Germans to start it, the
French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the
Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other
side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the
credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
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How many politicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
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1. Two. One to change it, and another one
to change it back again.
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2. Two. One to change it, and another one
to take the credit.
-
3. Two. One to hold a press conference to
inform the public that everything possible is being done to ratify the
situation while another one screws the light bulb into the water faucet.
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4. Four, one to change it and the other three
to deny it.
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How many dead politicians does it take to
change a light bulb?
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How many (generals/politicians) does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000
to rebuild civilisation to the point where they need light bulbs again.
-
2. None, they can all see by the light at
the end of the tunnel.
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How many U.S. Presidents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, the constitution says that only Congress
can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark,
which is why we need a Constitutional amendment.
-
2. Only one. If he can handle 250,000,000
people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
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How many government officials does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme
Court - to determine its constitutionality.
-
How many presidential candidates does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Fewer and fewer all the time.
-
How many believable, competent, "just right
for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
-
It's going to be a dark four years, isn't
it?
-
How many presidential campaign staff does
it need to change a light bulb?
-
Two hundred and twenty! One to write a speech
about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write
a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe",
eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb
failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's
families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in
general, any form of energy.
-
How many aides does it take to change President
Reagan's light bulb?
-
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
-
How long does it take Dan Quayle to change
a light bulb?
-
A long time. He's got to learn to spell before
he can read the instructions on the box.
-
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I
feel your pain", and gets Congress to pass a billion dollar light security
bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making light
bulbs free.
-
2. None - he'll only promise "change."
-
3. Two - one to promise he'll do it better
than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
-
How many Presidential family members does
it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
-
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the
rest of the White House.
-
How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
The number is irrelevant; they just stand
around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
-
How many people does it take to throw away
a one WATT bulb??
-
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
-
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior
secretary James Watt in 1983.
-
Note: probably the only really good light
bulb joke of 1984.
-
How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs
to Iran.
-
How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going
to screw a light bulb in or not!
-
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for
a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
-
How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver
North sold his light bulb to Iran.
-
How many senators does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to
constitute a quorum.
-
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
-
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None, at least until we get some corroborating
witnesses.
-
How many Reagans does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. What light bulb?
-
Note: topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
-
2. Just one - Nancy.
-
Note: topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy
and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987.
-
How many Reaganists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Ten: one to deny that the bulb is burned out,
one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame
the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb
burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that
will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene
lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one
former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the
kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene
importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
-
How many Perot supporters does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None, they all just quit and go home!
-
2. "Let me show you this chart!!"
-
How many economists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing,
market forces would have already caused it to happen.
-
2. None. They assume the problem away.
-
3. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to
change the bulb.
-
4. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and
one to change the bulb.
-
5. None. If the government would just leave
it
alone, it would screw itself in.
-
How many Conservative economists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. None. The invisible hand does it.
-
2. None. "There is no need to change the light
bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys
show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
-
3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter!
It's definitely getting brighter!!!
-
How many supply-siders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb
to change by itself.
-
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. "Well it's not really a question of
should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a
question of... (blah blah waffle)"
-
How many Liberals does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. One Liberal and twenty-eight delegates
representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
-
2. Two - one to do it and the other to keep
the first one's knee from jerking.
-
3. None: they can't remove the old ones since
they are already part of the environment.
-
How many Republicans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, they only screw the poor.
-
2. None, they turned that responsibility over
to the states.
-
3. Two. One to do it and one to steady the
chandelier.
-
How many Alan Keyes Republicans does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
How many Conservatives does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the
merit of the previous bulb.
-
How many Labour Party members does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
-
How many Libertarians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's
his business.
-
2. None, because somebody might come into
the room who likes to sit in the dark.
-
How many Green Party members does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn
out, so they don't know how.
-
How many MPs does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to
form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
-
How many Tory MPs does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two, one to screw it in and the other to
hang himself accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act
involving women's underwear.
-
2. I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light
bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require
is commercially sensitive.
-
How many Thatcherites does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. It's up to the private sector to provide
the finance for it.
-
How many John Majors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One not to do anything about it and one
to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put
the original bulb in place seventeen years ago.
-
How many Home Secretaries does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None - they merely sack someone else for letting
it go out.
-
How many Union Electricians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Seventeen - one to give the bulb to the screw-inner.
One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold
the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to
make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise.
Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot
the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin
'n' tonics with the yuppies.
-
How many British Trades Unionists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. They cannot interfere with the light
bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
-
How many Russian leaders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last
as long as light bulbs.
-
2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from
a cold.
-
How many Communists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second
to hand out leaflets.
-
2. One, but it takes him about thirty years
to realise that the old one has burnt out.
-
How many Socialists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One to petition the Ministry of Light for
a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia
to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one surreptitiously
to dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
-
How many Marxists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None, the seeds of revolution and change are
within the light bulb itself.
-
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
-
2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and
one to control the means of production!
-
How many KGB agents does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to screw it in and the other to
check it for microphones.
-
2. Three: one who knows how to change it,
one who knows how the light switch works and one to keep an eye on the
dangerous intellectuals.
-
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
-
How many Maoists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to
chant "Fight Darkness!"
-
How many IBM CPUs does it take to turn on
a light bulb?
-
Thirty-three - one to process the instruction
and thirty-two to process the interrupt.
-
How many nerds does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
1. They don't have time. They are too busy
taking pictures of themselves in their office.
-
2. Four. One to hold the light bulb ready,
one to hold the ladder, one to set up the computer, and one to log on to
this web site.
-
How does an engineer change a light bulb?
-
As long as lighting levels are within operational
parameters, he doesn't!
-
How many aerospace engineers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist,
you know.
-
How many rocket scientists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they just tell Marcus to do it.
-
How many electrical engineers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on
a part.
-
How many software engineers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None: "We'll document it in the manual."
-
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
-
3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building
will probably fall down.
-
4. if (you == "Bill Gates") hold(light_bulb)
&& let_revolve_around(world, you); endif
-
5. Two. One always leaves in the middle of
the project.
-
6. Four. One to design the change, one to
implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
-
7. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage
the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of
the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at
least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, two hundred
and seventy-four users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to
tender for another light bulb change...
-
8. Five. Two to write the specification program,
one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
-
9. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's
try it again.
-
10. It's hard to say. Each time we separate
the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
-
11. The change is 90% complete.
-
12. We looked at the light fixture and decided
there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from
scratch. Could you wait two months?
-
13. Only one, but she's not available. She's
the only programmer we have who can get the <<insert name here>>
software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
-
14. Of course, as everyone knows, just five
years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change
a light bulb.
-
How many shareware authors does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. This feature is only available in registered
versions.
-
How many software testers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. We just recognised darkness, fixing
it is someone else's problem.
-
How many real programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
-
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
-
How many maintenance programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They try to fix the old one.
-
How many C programmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, they forgot to declare it first.
-
How long does it take a C programmer to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Twenty-four hours - three minutes to put in
the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
-
How many C++ programmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly
designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic
light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
-
2. Only one, but it takes him all night, and
when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet don't work.
-
3. At least a dozen, but it's impossible to
tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going
"That's me, over there!"
-
How many Object Oriented programmers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
None, they send it a message, and it changes
itself.
-
How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Four hundred. One to change the bulb, fifty
to write a magazine about it, fifty to write a help file about it, fifty
to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the
names of the team involved, fifty to go down to the drinks machine and
get everyone their can of coke, fifty to show off about how installing
a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, one to answer the
phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert,
Sir... click"), one hundred and forty-eight to pad out the pictures in
the "Light Bulb - How We Did It" magazine.
-
How many people does it take to change an
object-oriented light bulb?
-
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse
it.
-
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
How many BASIC programmers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
10 push bulb upwards: twist bulb clockwise
20 goto 10
-
How many games machine programmers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One, but he needs the seal of approval from
Nintendo before he can put his light bulb in their socket.
-
How many Prolog programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
How many Lisp programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
-
Note: LISP is a recursive programming language.
One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion
(cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion). These lisp heads
are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline.
It could be improved:
-
2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better)))
(find (out))...
-
How many database people does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three: one to write the light bulb removal
program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act
as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change
the light bulb at the same time.
-
How many tech writers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. "The user can work it out."
-
How many developers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
The light bulb works fine on the system in
my office . . .
-
How many QA engineers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
-
Three: one to screw it in and two to say "I
told you so" when it doesn't work.
-
How many computer salespeople does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you
need to upgrade your socket to the '486 version.
-
How many software vendors does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None: you have to do it yourself, pay them
$99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
-
How many field service engineers does it take
to replace a dead light bulb?
-
1. Who can tell. FSEs are always in the dark.
-
2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound
it in (etc).
-
3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine,
so it's a software problem.
-
How many hardware guys does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy,
so it's a software problem."
-
How long will it take?
-
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many
dead bulbs they've brought with them.
-
What if you have two dead bulbs?
-
They replace your fuse box.
-
How many system administrators does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None, they just deny everyone access to the
area served by the light bulb in question.
-
How many IBM staff does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they
add value to photon emitter units.
-
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. They just let Marketing explain that
"Dead Bulb" is a feature.
-
How many IBM programmers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Thirty-three. One to change the lightbulb
and the other thirty-two to write fourteen volumes of documentation of
which half consists of pages containing only "This page left intentionally
blank" and the other half definitions such as "'bulb' can be defined as
a glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see volume
IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For Illumination") designed
to mate with a housing integral to the ceiling referred to as a "socket"
(see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets";
if uncertain of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets
- A Preliminary Identification Guide")."
-
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and
buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
-
2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the
new bulb for viruses first.
-
How many IBM tech writers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. Just one, provided there's an engineer
around to explain how to do it.
-
2. One hundred. Ten to do it, and ninety to
write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source
System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
-
How many Pentium designers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None - it will be fined (fixed?) in the
next version.
-
2. None - with the billions of working light
bulbs in the world, your odds of being next to a burned-out one are so
small it will never be a problem for you.
-
3. They aren't certain, everytime they do
the math, they get a different number.
-
4. 1.99904274017, but that's close enough
for non-technical people.
-
5. Three. One to screw in the bulb and the
other to hold the ladder....
-
6. 586 of them, and it will take them a year
from the moment you convince them that the light bulb is not functioning
per the spec.
-
How many Microsoft engineers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None. They just define darkness as an industry
standard.
-
How many Microsoft employees does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every
single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
-
2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to
make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
in the world.
-
3. Only about six or seven hundred, but it
takes them at least two years because they have to see how the Apple Computer
people are doing it first so they can steal the technique.
-
How many Microsoft technicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw
the bulb into a faucet.
-
Note: Very similar to the bureaucrats joke.
-
How many MS tech supports does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be
using a non-standard socket."
-
How many operating systems are required to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Just one - Microsoft is making a special version
of Windows for it.
-
How many Windows programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write
WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write
WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
-
How many Windows users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that
it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
-
How many Macintosh engineers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None - it has to be done by a local authorised
dealer.
-
How many Apple employees does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design
the tee-shirts.
-
How many Apple programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket
will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
-
How many Mac owners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None - there's no documentation available,
so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
-
2. Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
-
3. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't
compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or
a new light.
-
4. Two: one to ask the socket to eject the
old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
-
5. Three: one to change the bulb, one to copyright
the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone
who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
-
6. Mac users don't screw, they just click
the genital icon.
-
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done
while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will
use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing
the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function
of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
-
How many light bulbs does it take to screw
Netscape?
-
Four. One for employees of non-profit organisations,
one for students and educators, one for people who can read a licence agreement,
one for people who expect a company to keep its word.
-
Note: refers to Netscape Corp., which distributed
betas of their Web browser for free, announcing that the final version
will be free also. Once the final version was out, they changed their mind.
Only for students, educators and employees of non-profit organisations
does it remain free.
-
How many Unix hacks does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. As many as you want; they're all virtual,
anyway.
-
2. One, but first he has to determine the
correct path.
-
3. Let's see, can you use a shell script for
that or does it need a C program?
-
How many Unix programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>"
he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
-
How many Unix support staff does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
How many Unix system vendors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. All of the light bulbs you have are
'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation
of the socket. (However, you do have the source code for your socket, so
.....)
-
How many VMS heads does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. All of them, and they will all scream at
you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt
soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured
by DEC.
-
2. "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I
could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be
fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."
-
How many DEC employees does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Ninety-two - as follows:
-
Two People - Preliminary discussion of concept
change.
-
One Person - Devise and write formal bulb
architecture.
-
Two People - Feasibility study and timetable
of events.
-
Two People - Produce four utilities to reduce
screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
-
One Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards
(sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
-
Four People - Commonality task force on bulb
change.
-
Fifteen People - Change bulb.
-
Five People - Perform bulb functional test.
-
Two People - Perform bulb load test.
-
Three People - Perform bulb regression test.
-
One Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
-
One Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
-
One Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
-
One Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
-
One Person - Interface with users. (Did they
want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
-
Five People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket
Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study.
-
Three People - Ensure form (round/square,
clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet,
flashing, flood/spot).
-
Three People - Implement temporary alternative
bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
(bulb-in-one).
-
Five People - Determine how to market/package/distribute
temporary alternative bulb socket.
-
Ten People - Determine how to perform bulb
change product split (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation
- screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
-
One Person - Interface with Utilities Commission
quality assurance group.
-
One Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution
Center).
-
One Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports)
system.
-
Ten People - Answer customer BPRs.
-
Eleven People - Football team to challenge
bulb changers.
-
How long does it take a DEC repairman to change
a light bulb?
-
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs
he brought with him.
-
How long does it take a DEC field service
engineer to change a lightbulb?
-
It depends on how many bad ones he brought
with him.
-
How many baby sitters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, they don't make Pampers small enough.
-
SubGenius: How many SubGenii does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Pink: I don't know. How many?
-
SubGenius: Give me ten dollars and I'll tell
you.
-
Pink: Um, well, okay, here...
-
How many O.J. Simpson jurors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They voted it "not dark".
-
How many editors does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but first they have to rewire
the entire building.
-
2. Two - one to change the bulb and one to
issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
-
How many managing editors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
You were supposed to have changed that light
bulb last week!
-
How many art directors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Does it have to be a light bulb?
-
How many copy editors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
The last time this question was asked, it
involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the
other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
-
How many proof readers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Proof readers aren't supposed to change light
bulbs. They should just query them.
-
How many cover artists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Why is there... an egg beater, I think?...
sticking out of this light fixture?
-
How many cover blurb writers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA
TO SHINING SEA!!!!
-
How many publishers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down
the author.
-
How many journalists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three. One to report it as an inspired government
program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
Prize for reporting that the Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin
to break the bulb in the first place.
-
How many computer journalists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Five - one to write a review of all the existing
light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a
remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have
a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and
updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumour that that
new bulb is shipping with a virus.
-
How many brewers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One-third as many as for a regular bulb.
-
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Sorry, we closed eighteen seconds ago, and
I've just cashed up.
-
How many waiters does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a
waiter's eye.
-
How many waitresses does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. Two to stand around bitching about
it and one to go get the manager.
-
How many librarians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
-
How many cataloguers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but the Library of Congress has to do
it first.
-
How many loggers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. They think it will grow back on its
own.
-
2. One, but he uses a chainsaw.
-
3. They can't do it, the light will disturb
the spotted owls.
-
Note: this is based on recent successful environmentalist
pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted
owl species.
-
How many Dixons assistants does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few
weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
-
How many pawnbrokers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. It's of no interest to them.
-
How many grocery store cashiers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Are you kidding? They won't even change a
five dollar bill.
-
How many London taxi drivers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent)
What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate!
-
How many firemen does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Four - one to change the bulb and three to
cut a hole in the roof.
-
How many auto mechanics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Six - one to force it with a hammer and
five to go out for more bulbs.
-
2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has
until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll
have to replace the whole socket.
-
How many Mafia members does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the light bulb and one
to kill the witness.
-
How many teamsters does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
-
2. FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
-
How many Honour Guards does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Twenty-two, one to screw it in, twenty-one
to shoot the bulb.
-
How many U.S. Marines does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Fifty. One to screw in the light bulb and
the remaining forty-nine to guard him.
-
How many fighter pilots does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Only one because the world revolves around
him.
-
How many cops does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
1. None. It turned itself in.
-
2. None, it fell down the stairs, Sir.
-
3. Just one, but he is never around when you
need him.
-
How many hunters does it take to screw a light
bulb into a left-handed socket?
-
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket,
but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.
-
How many hunt sabs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy
footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
-
How many police does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three. One to change it and two to direct
traffic (eh?)
-
How many LA cops does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Six - one to do it and five to smash the old
bulb to splinters.
-
How many bailiffs does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the
kidneys, and eight to stand around such that none of this gets caught on
camera.
-
How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Five. One actually to screw in the light bulb,
one to carry him out of the ring, one to tell him who put the lights out,
two to count the money, and it all only takes ninety-one seconds!
-
How many thought police does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. There never was any light bulb.
-
How many disaster recovery planners does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup
facilities in West Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already
glowing brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of
failure of the primary bulb.
-
How many Federal employees does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
-
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw
it up.
-
2. Two. One to assure everyone that everything
possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
-
3. Five - one to change the light bulb and
the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
-
4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
to authorise a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file
the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to
forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to
receive the bulb....
-
5. Seven - one to supervise, one to arrange
for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality
standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state and
federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out
the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
-
6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times
before she finally finishes screwing it up.
-
7. None, we contract out for things like that.
-
How many standards body officials does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
How many safety inspectors does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Four. One to change it and three to hold the
ladder.
-
How many civil servants does it take to change
the light bulb?
-
Forty-five. One to change the bulb, and forty-four
to do the paperwork.
-
How many city planners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending
a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the
newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.
-
How many municipal employees does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service
examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner
of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway,
one to plough the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student actually to
screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that it's the electrician's
job to screw in light bulbs.
-
How many Pentagon procurement officers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up
this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
-
How many efficiency experts does it take to
replace a light bulb?
-
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark
bulbs.
-
How many NASA technicians does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and
when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it
till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
-
How many NASA managers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
-
"That's a known problem... don't worry about
it."
-
How many mathematicians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
-
2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby
reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
-
3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby
reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
-
4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He
gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier
joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can
change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if
one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed
the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew
P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986.
-
How many statisticians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. This should be determined using a nonparametric
procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
-
2. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist,
one economist, one sociologist and one anthropologist to pull away the
ladder.
-
3. One - plus or minus three (small sample
size).
-
Note: someone has been asking this as a bonus
question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some
of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb
is negatively or positively screwed.
-
How many public opinion researchers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
With what degree of certainty do you need
to know?
-
How many theoretical physicists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. If you know how many, you can't know if
they've done it yet.
-
2. If you want to know how many, you can observe
them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
-
3. The probability that the light bulb will
actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've
been waiting.
-
How many nuclear engineers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six
to determine what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
-
How many astronomers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
-
How many radio astronomers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. They are not interested in that short-wave
stuff.
-
How many school teachers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Let's see: 2 A+s, 3 As, 5 A-s, 11 B+s,
9 Bs, 21 B-s...
-
2. None. Anything not completed during the
lesson is added to the homework.
-
3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
-
4. On the space shuttle, one million and one.
One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.
-
How many university professors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't
change anymore.
-
2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports
out of it.
-
How many Ph.D. thesis supervisors (advisors)
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Only one; but every time they see a light
bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
-
2. One - if you can find him (or her)!
-
How many academics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. None. That's what research students are
for.
-
2. Five: one to write the grant proposal,
one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one
to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the
work.
-
How many signal processing engineers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to Fourier transform the light
bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator,
and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb.
-
How many environmental compliance professionals
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Twenty-one: one to change the bulb, ten to
figure out how to dispose of the old one, and ten to apply to the regulatory
agencies for a disposal permit.
-
How many Greenpeace researchers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two, one to put in the new one and one to
recycle the old one.
-
How many laboratory heads (senior researchers,
etc.) does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other
four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
-
How many research technicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
One, but it'll probably take him/her three
or four tries to get it right.
-
How many post-doctoral fellows does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
One, but it'll probably take three or four
tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician
to do.
-
How many Stanford researchers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn
the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.
-
How many Stanford professors does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
One to write a paper claiming that light is
a pig whitey invention, one to organise a Darkness Studies program, and
one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
-
How many quantum physicists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise
the wave function.
-
(Explanation - renormalising the wave function
is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations
to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out
as one.)
-
How many quantum mechanicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
They can't. If they know where the socket
is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
-
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
If you know the number, you don't know where
the light bulb is.
-
How many scientists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They use them as controls in double
blind trials.
-
How many company biotechnologists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design
the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the
bulb.
-
How many freelance biotechnologists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall,
unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
-
How many veterinarians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the bulb and two more
to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
-
How many doctors does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. That depends on whether it has health insurance.
-
2. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one
to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
-
3. None. They just tell it to take two asprin
and come round to the surgery later.
-
4. None. They only sign the death certificate
and phone the mortuary.
-
5. None. They would diagnose depression and
prescribe benzodiazapines.
-
6. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to
tell him which end to screw in.
-
How many dentists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic,
one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink
mouthwash.
-
How many surgeons does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. They would wait for a suitable donor
and do a filament transplant.
-
2. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket
as you aren't using it now.
-
How many orthopaedic surgeons does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Why don't you just let us take out the socket?
You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
-
How many chiropractors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Never let a chiropractor change a light
bulb! They always twist it until it pops!
-
2. Only one, but it takes nine visits.
-
How many physiotherapists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises
to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
-
How many neurophysiologists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine
it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube
of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one
to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump
to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the
new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the
whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent
people happily employed doing something totally useless.
-
How many emergency room technicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
One, but the bulb will have to spend forty-five
minutes in the waiting room.
-
How many NHS hospital staff does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to
take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply
an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the
late bulb in a post-mortem.
-
2. Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working
and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance
department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it
priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be
done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's
pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks
up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty light bulb. He fits bulb
or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports
back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is
checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then
checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines.
Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department
work plan. Details go into department's workload report.
-
(Allegedly true version - believe it if you
will.)
-
How many psychologists / psychiatrists does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None. The bulb will change itself when
it is ready.
-
2. Just one, but the light bulb has to really
WANT to change.
-
2a. Only one, but it takes a really long time
and the light bulb has to want to change.
-
3. How long have you been having this phantasy?
-
4. How many do you think it takes?
-
How many Freudians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change
the penis. Oops! I mean, er, the light bulb.
-
How many undertakers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They just paint them black and go on
using them.
-
How many aerobics instructors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and
one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left,
and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and
put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to
the right..."
-
How many stockbrokers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E.
STOCK NOW!!!!!
-
2. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop
it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's
already burned out).
-
3. 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
-
How many executives does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to
discuss all the ramifications of the change.
-
How many quality managers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
We've formed a quality circle to study the
problem of why light bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we
as managers can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.
-
How many admin. assistants does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. I can't do anything unless you complete
a light bulb design change request form.
-
How many marketing directors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
It isn't too late to make this neon instead,
is it?
-
How many sales directors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light
bulb jokes, right?
-
How many accountants does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. What kind of answer did you have in mind?
-
2. None - just assume it's changed.
-
How many consultants does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. How many can you afford?
-
2. It depends on how much of the building
needs to be rewired.
-
3. I'll have an estimate for you a week from
Monday.
-
4. I can't possibly answer that question without
a full study of the problem.
-
5. We don't know. They never get past the
feasibility study.
-
Note how even with all those answers, it is
still not known how many it actually takes.
-
How many PR people does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
I don't know, but I'll get back to you on
that.
-
Note: believe it or not, this joke cracks
up reporters because PR people try to force reporters to work their stories
by talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually knows anything...
so he/she is always responding as in the punchline.
-
How many hookers does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None - they get screwed - they don't usually
do the screwing.
-
2. None. "Who needs lights?"
-
3. That depends. If it's a red light, they'll
all fight over it, otherwise you'd have a better chance getting them to
change a $20.
-
How many porn actresses does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Well, it looks like two of them are really
doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They're just faking it.
-
How many massage parlor attendants does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
-
How many lawyers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. How many can you afford?
-
2. None, lawyers only screw us.
-
3. Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're
looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
-
4. None, lawyers prefer to keep their clients
in the dark.
-
5. That depends... how many do you want it
to take?
-
6. None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But,
you'll get the following bill:
-
Item: Light Bulb
-
Charge $2185 (Itemisation of bill charges)
-
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400
-
Connectivity charge $ 100
-
Staff charge $ 250
-
Secretary-prepared bill $ 2
-
Research fee $ 422
-
Consulting fee $ 431
-
Paralegal processing fees $ 25
-
Specialised equipment $ 122
-
Bought bulb $ 5
-
Overnight express delivery $ 34
-
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394
-
7. It only takes one to change your bulb to
his bulb.
-
8. Three. One to change it and two to keep
interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
-
9. Three. One to climb the ladder, one to
shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
-
10. Three. One to sue the power company for
insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge
that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician
who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
-
11. Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get
a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents,
one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards,
one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order
a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional
services.
-
(Another huge answer is at the bottom of this
file).
-
How many law professors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Hell, you need two hundred and fifty just
to lobby for the research grant.
-
How many referral agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two: one to screw you out of a fee, and the
other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
-
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
1. That's proprietary information. Answer
available from AT&T on payment of licence fee (binary only).
-
2. Nearly unanswerable, since the one who
tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning
session.
-
3. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get
the phone number of one of their subordinates actually to change it.
-
How many ice skaters does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire
a hitman to club the other skater on the knee.
-
How many jugglers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
-
How many magicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Depends on what you want to change it into.
-
How many circus performers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Four: one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go!
-
2. Four. One to change the bulb and three
to sing "Ta Da!"
-
How many newsmen does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
-
How many NBC news producers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb
so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on
the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
-
How many American standup comedians does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The
other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started
telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their
turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson
doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb.
FEEEEEELINGS....
-
How many TV comedians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say
"Sock it to Me."
-
Notes: Sock It = Socket. Also, the phrase
was from "Laugh In".
-
How many folk-dancers does it take to change
a light-bulb?
-
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when
they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction
to a dance they want to do.
-
How many square-dancers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Four, and you have to walk them through it
a few times.
-
How many Techno dancers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to
bring Ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the
light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from Ecstasy, three
to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
-
How many guitarists/actors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
One hundred. One to screw it in and ninety-nine
to say, "Oh, I can do that."
-
How many guitarists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Five. One to change it, and four to stand
around going "Huh! I could've done that!"
-
2. Five: one to do it and four to say that
they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
-
How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Five: one to change the bulb and four to get
in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
-
How many flute players does it to take to
change a light bulb?
-
Five: one to change the bulb, one to pull
the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better
they would have done it.
-
How many French horn players does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking
the bulb for alignment and leaks.
-
Do you know how many musicians it takes to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll
fake it.
-
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and
four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could
have done that."
-
3. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn
the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
-
How many country/folk singers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write
a song about how good the old light bulb was.
-
How many female opera singers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break
it.
-
How many sopranos does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but it takes a while for the
world to revolve around her.
-
2. Three. One to climb up the ladder, one
to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that
was too high for you dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section).
-
3. One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine
to discuss how it was really too high for her.
-
How many altos does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Five; one to change the bulb, and four to
whine "It's too high!"
-
How many tenors does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Three - one to do it and two to stand there
and tell each other how they could have done it better.
-
How many baritones does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None, they just let the tenors do the work.
-
How many basses does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Who cares? Basses can't read music anyway!
-
How many classical music singers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary
strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
-
How many conductors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course,
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
-
How many Country and Western singers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
Four. One to change it, one to sing about
how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how
madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah!" and
throw his hat in the air.
-
How many second violinists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None, they don't get up that high.
-
How many trumpet players does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Six. One actually to do it, and five to stand
around and talk about how much better they could have done it.
-
How many sax players does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine
to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
-
2. Just one, but he has to go through a whole
box to find just the right one.
-
How many alto sax players does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to
contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
-
How many banjo players does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round
will complain that that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
-
How many contrabassoon players does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four
to figure out the fingerings.
-
How many bassists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None. The keyboardist does it with his
left hand.
-
2. None, we're too cool to change light bulbs.
-
3. It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
-
4. Just one, but the guitarist has to show
him first.
-
5. Five - one to do it and four to beat back
all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
-
How many keyboardists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. One to light a candle and say it's just
as good as electric light.
-
2. None: "I've got a candle that looks just
like it."
-
3. Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent,
candles - anything you want.
-
4. "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do.
You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next
month GE will be coming out ...."
-
5. Only one, but if you wait until next month,
Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
-
6. Two: one to screw in the bulb, and one
to patch it into the Korg.
-
7. Two: one to change the bulb and one to
say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
-
(With apologies for some slight overlapping
of the answers here.)
-
How many lead singers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. Get the drummer to do it.
-
How many drummers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. They have a machine that does that
now.
-
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before
figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
-
3. One, but only after asking "Why?"
-
4. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn
his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
-
5. Ten. One to change the light bulb and the
other nine to dicuss how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd or Neil Paert) would
have done it!
-
6. One .. two, and a-one two three four!
-
How many roadies/sound men does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. One, two! One, two! One, two!
-
2. None. "I don't do lights. That's the light
crew's job."
-
3. One: upon finding no replacement, he takes
the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape,
changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable,
and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to
the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
-
How many security guards at a Grateful Dead
concert does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Twenty-one: one to change the bulb, the rest
fatally to beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light.
-
(Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
-
How many Dead-Heads does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
10,001..... One to change the light bulb and
10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!!
-
How many Frank Zappas does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, the light bulb is not dead, it just
smells funny.
-
Note: Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among
other styles)) commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead - it just
smells funny."
-
How many Bluegrass musicians it takes to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Two - one to screw it in and one to complain
that it is electrified.
-
2. Three, one to do it and two to argue about
whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
-
3. It doesn't matter because the banjo player
is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.
-
4. They don't. They only use acoustic light
bulbs.
-
How many Blues musicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might
be a light bulb there and the other to play harp.
-
How many CD player users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck...
-
How many LP player users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck...
getting stuck... getting stuck...
-
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
-
How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to sit around
looking bored.
-
How many punk rockers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to screw in the bulb and the other
to smash the old one on his forehead.
-
2. Three. One to do it and two to argue about
who did it first.
-
Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about
whether the first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead
Kennedys etc.
-
How many actors does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. Only one. They don't like to share the
spotlight.
-
2. Two. One to change the light bulb and one
to say "What's the big deal, I could have done that."
-
3. Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace
the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
-
4. A finite number F. One to change it and
F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.
-
How many actresses does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but you should have seen the line outside
the producer's hotel room.
-
How many mimes does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
How many Wizard of Oz characters does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None, because the scarecrow is too dumb to
do it, the tin man doesn't have the heart, the lion is afraid he'll get
electrocuted, Dorothy keeps calling "Aunty Em!" and the wicked witch keeps
screaming "flip the damn switch!"
-
How many Scarlett O'Haras does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
-
How many movie directors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Four!... No! Two... No Three.
-
2. Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two
times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much
better.
-
How many Directors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. What do you think? (Theatre humour)
-
2. Three. No, five. No, you go away - four.
YES! Four! Perfect!
-
How many stage managers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. That's not your concern. It will be done
by opening night.
-
2. Union rules prevent the changing of light
bulbs by unskilled employees lacking the skills of lighting technicians.
If they wish, a stage mangaer can request that the production manager hires
a lighting designer. This designer can make plans for the overall appearance
of the light. Having done this, the designer must consult with the stage
manager and the production manager to confirm both the practical and the
financial position of the company. Given the process is viable, the lighting
designer can consult the director as to the artistic elements of the aforesaid
project. Given approval at all these steps, the lighting designer and the
production manager can carry out an interview process. The lighting technician
who is hired can then check process viability, before requesting a cheque
from the production manager. The lighting technician can then purchase
a light bulb from the furthest but cheapest lighting supplier, preferably
Electric Sunshine Lighting in Sydney Australia. Upon arrival, the light
bulb can be checked by the technician and he can request that the stage
manager helps him with the ladder while he changes the light bulb in the
men's toilet at the Fringe Club Theatre in Hong Kong.
-
How many lighting designers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
How many theatre electricians does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. Lamp! It's a goddamned lamp!
-
2. One to get the ladder, one to take out
the old lamp, one to throw away the old lamp, etc.
-
3. One, but it's still a four hour call (union
stagehands get paid four hours minimum just for walking in the door).
-
How many screenwriters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
"Why do we have to change it?"
-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw
in light bulb?
-
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way
in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
-
How many science fiction writers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and
one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic
power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
-
2. Two, but it's actually the same person
doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then
the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to
reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light
bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a
parallel universe, though.
-
How many poets does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light
a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.
-
How many Surrealists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Bathtub full of powertools.
-
2. Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other
to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
-
3. Fish.
-
4. Two. One to change it and one to throw
a bucket of water out the window.
-
(An interesting story about this joke - it
was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked
correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected
by a loud chorus of "No, it's a fish!")
-
How many fish does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
How many performance artists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change the light bulb and the
other to put the power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.
-
How many visitors to an art gallery does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My
four-year old could've done that!"
-
How many fine artists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure
him about how good it looks.
-
How many members of the England cricket team
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Four. One to change it after eighty-five overs,
one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing
something out of his pocket into it.
-
How many members of the Pakistan cricket team
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
None. "The players should only have to play
eighty overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary
strain upon them."
-
How many football managers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Well, it would only take one, but actually
he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest
he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press).
-
How many soccer players does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Five. One to get into position to screw
it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the light
bulb and pass it to his mate, who then goes and screws it in over the other
side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be
really injured.
-
2. Fifteen - one to put the bulb in, ten to
kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four all to stand around
and put their hands up.
-
How many Italian soccer referees does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None. Putting in a working bulb would expose
the yellow streak down his back.
-
2. None. He'll never see the light about that
offside goal anyway.
-
Note: Reference to the Final of the European
Championship this year (1996) when the Italian referee failed to disallow
a blatantly offside goal by Germany against the Czech Republic for fear
of upsetting the German fans. He would be well advised not to holiday in
Prague.
-
How many baseball owners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, they like being in the dark ages.
-
How many NCAA basketball players does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three
credit hours for it.
-
How many American college football players
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. The entire team! And they all get a semester's
credit for it!
-
2. Just one, but he gets three hours of credit
for it (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support
for it).
-
Note: the Heisman is a trophy awarded to the
supposed best overall college football player each season by the NY Athletic
Club. Barry Switzer was formerly the University of Oklahoma football coach,
one of the winningest ever. The joke relates to the fact that the school's
publicity department has as much, if not more, to do with getting the Heisman
than the player's actual ability. (Commentary from another American! Not
exactly... OU has had a few Heisman trophy winners, but only one of them
when Switzer was head coach (thus the joke's really not that funny). Now
if you changed it to Woody Hayes, former head coach at Ohio State, or Bo
Schembechler, former Michigan head coach, it might be more humorous).
-
How many Kentucky football players does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
One, but he gets only one hour's credit for
it, fumbles it completely, and all of the UK fans groan about it for the
entire semester. Meanwhile UK basketball players change lightbulbs sucessfully,
get six credits for it plus a car, money, and the fans go wild.
-
How many American footballers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two - one to screw it in and the other to
recover the fumble.
-
How many people at an American football match
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change it and two to tip the
entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on
a successful bulb screwing.
-
How many University of Washington Husky football
fans (or any over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention
to minutiae surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
-
A million and one. One to hold the old bulb,
and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it.
-
How many Denver Broncos does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, unless it was a blow out, then all of
them show up (also Buffalo Bills).
-
(Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan>
:-). I live in Buffalo, so it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to
recent Super Bowls. The Broncos have been to four Super Bowls, and lost
three by huge margins - "blowouts". Likewise the Bills, the pride
and joy of our city, have lost the last three straight, the last two by
overwhelming margins).
-
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!!
Brian.
-
How many American wrestlers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw
it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real
surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend
to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some
guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite
clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference
of the bulb changers.
-
2. Five. One to change it, four to fake it.
-
How many bikers does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and
the other to kick the switch.
-
How many body builders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Six. One to change it and five to say "Man,
you've got huge muscles!"
-
How many martial artists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One hundred. One to screw in the light bulb
and ninety-nine to say "Our style has that technique, too, but we do it
a little different."
-
How many anglers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb!
It must have been this big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely
enough!
-
How many chess computers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing
it en passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move whereby
the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some pawns while all this
action takes place on the other side of the board, and one to flash its
lights, make lots of noise, and announce out of the blue that it has found
a forced mate in seven.
-
How many chess grandmasters does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None. They are too "Short".
-
2. Twenty-one. One to have the idea, and a
whole load more to do all the analysis.
-
How many people does it take to change a light
bulb for Bobby Fischer?
-
Two. One person to put the new one in, and
another person to file three millimetres off it first.
-
How many ping pong players does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis"
not "ping pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the
type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and one to get out
his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and point out that he could have
bought an even better one for 50p less.
-
How many Scrabble players does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple
word score anyway.
-
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
-
First he bites off the old one.
-
How many Einsteins does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
That depends on the speed of the changer,
and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might
be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
-
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two kids are bragging:
-
Kid 1: My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
-
Kid 2: Oh, yeah! Sez who?
-
Kid 1: Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy:
"Turn out the light, and I'll eat it!"
-
What's the difference between a pregnant woman
and a light bulb?
-
You can unscrew a light bulb.
-
How many orgy attenders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
As many as possible, and don't ask what they
do with the old bulb.
-
How many phone perverts does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here
is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
-
2. Just one, but it takes the whole emergency
room staff at the hospital to remove it.
-
How many w***ers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
They can't. They just move it backwards and
forwards, faster and faster, until it fuses.
-
How many heterosexual males does it take to
screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
-
How many hairdressers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two; one to change the bulb, the other to
say 'Wow, that looks fabulous Gary!'
-
How many gay men does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb,
honey, let's talk about the shade!
-
2. Only one, but it takes the entire emergency
room staff to remove it!
-
3. Two. One to change it and one to grow a
droopy moustache.
-
4. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb
and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
-
How many Gay Rights activists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None: the bulb shouldn't have to change for
society to accept it.
-
How many Lesbians does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two, one to do it and one to make a video
documentary about it.
-
2. Two. One to screw it in real good and one
to call the gynaecologist.
-
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk
about how much better it is than with a man.
-
3a. Two. One to change the bulb and another
to reflect on how much more gratifying it was than a man.
-
4. Sixty-nine.
-
How many homophobes does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. First, they can't be sure the socket's
feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet
where they belong.
-
2. It obviously has to be done by just one.
They don't screw around with other men.
-
3. Two: one to do it, and one to get the sterile
rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before
him.
-
How many tight gits does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it, and one to complain
that even after all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts
1000 hours.
-
How many evolutionists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
-
How many pessimists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, the old one is probably screwed in
too tight.
-
2. None, it's a waste of time because the
new bulb probably won't work either.
-
3. None. Why bother? It's just going to burn
out anyway.
-
How many optimists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None, they're convinced that the power will
come back on soon.
-
How many procrastinators does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One - but he has to wait until the light is
better.
-
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None, because people who glow in the dark
don't need light bulbs.
-
2. None, you just hold it up and it glows
by itself.
-
How many nihilists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
There is nothing to change.
-
How may Unitarians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to write a solemn statement which
will affirm that:
-
This light bulb is natural, a part of
the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps,
-
There must be no discrimination against
dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take
their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
-
We affirm the right of all bulbs to
screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination
preference, and
-
We seek for each light bulb the fullest
opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.
-
A second Unitarian to read this statement,
even if he or she is the only human being to do so, and then write the
obligatory criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single
candle instead of cursing the darkness.
-
How may Unitarian Universalists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Unitarian Universalists don't screw in light
bulbs, they screw in sleeping bags!
-
How many fatalists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
-
How many missionaries does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
-
2. One hundred and one. One to change it and
one hundred to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
-
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth
century.
-
How many Zen masters does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Mu.
-
2. A tree in a golden forest.
-
3. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and
the Zen master stays out of the way.
-
4. None. Zen masters carry their own light.
-
5. Is the room dark if there's nobody there?
-
6. Two: one to change the bulb and one not
to change it.
-
7. One to change and one not to change is
fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
-
8. Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to
enlighten the novice.
-
9.
-
How many atheists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None. They're never in the dark.
-
2. None. Atheists question whether it's really
light anyway.
-
3. None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway,
do they?
-
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an
atheist?
-
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.
-
Note: many icons and other religious artworks
describe Christian saints and biblical figures glowing with light.
-
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Four - one to screw in the light bulb, one
to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb,
and one to not do any of those.
-
How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One - "if the thunder don't get you, then
the lightning will."
-
How many Hindus does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the
puja.
-
Note: puja is a religious ceremony.
-
How many Taoists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature
it will go out again.
-
How many Muslims does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the
will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
-
How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
300 million - one to take out the old one,
the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.
-
How many Quakers does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels
the inner light.
-
How many Methodists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Five to form a community and the rest of the
church to vote on it.
-
How many Presbyterians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Doesn't matter as long as it is done decently
and in order.
-
How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around,
play the tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words
"Hare Krishna."
-
How many Branch Davidians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None, they provide their own illumination.
-
2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight
to find a leg for him to stand on.
-
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. They don't. It's been like that for 2000
years and there's no precedent for lightbulb changing.
-
2. Two - one to screw it in, and another to
repent.
-
3. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear
him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
-
How many Christian fundamentalists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
-
How many Lutherans does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee
of twelve to talk about how they miss the old one.
-
How many Creationists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They'll all just sit in the dark and
wait for God to say "Let there be light!"
-
How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
-
It depends on the dance step.
-
How many Mormons does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Six, one to screw it in and the other five
to serve refreshments.
-
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. There is no point trying to change anything
now. God will be replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows
quite when.
-
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
Three - one to call the cleaning lady and
the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.
-
How many Zionists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Four - one to stay home and try to convince
someone else to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it
in and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands behind their
actions.
-
How many holocaust revisionists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they just deny the bulb ever went out
in the first place.
-
How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes
and it'll get real bright!
-
How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond
the capability of a woman.
-
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They will never find one that burned
as brightly as the first one.
-
Notes on the previous three: Chassidim (pronounced
"hass-ee-deem" - it's Hebrew) are an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above
refer to various further subsects and their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers,
the most prevalent, are known for their belief that the Mossiach (Messiah)
will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver joke refers to the fact that
they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman, and since he died they
haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group feels capable of filling
his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their adherence to the sex-rôle
distinctions prescribed by the Bible - in one area, they've been fighting
with local authorities about school busing, because they believe that women
should not be allowed to drive, and the school system employs a lot of
women as bus drivers.
-
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change
a lightbulb?
-
"That's OK, don't trouble yourself, we'll
sit in the dark."
-
How many Jewish mothers-in-law does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. "That's alright. I'll sit in the dark."
-
2. (Cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
-
1. None! I don't mind sitting here in the
dark vilst u goes out enjoying yourselves.....
-
2. None, they'll just sit in the dark, they
know you can't be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light bulb
for them, and after all they've done for you...
-
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip
about it behind her back.
-
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
A hundred. One to change it and the other
ninety-nine to say "I told you so!"
-
How many divorcées does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. The sockets all went with the house.
-
Why does it take three women on PMS to change
a light bulb?
-
1. BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
-
2. 'Cos it does, RIGHT?
-
How many women with PMS does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
-
2. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only
takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light
bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this
house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the
fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS
LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change
the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH
IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @#$%^&*! LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN! WHY!? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S
A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12
FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY
TO CLEAN THIS......
-
How many feminists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
-
2. None. It's not the light bulb that needs
changing.
-
3. "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB."
-
4. Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women
and minorities will suffer more than anyone else because it's dark.
-
5. Unknown. But the federal government's welfare
reform will limit the number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to
under two years' supply.
-
6. None. Women have a Supreme Court, constitutionally-protected
right to work in the dark if they choose to.
-
7. It's sexual harassment even to SUGGEST
jokingly on the net that a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be
banned by the FCC.
-
8. Feminists don't screw at all. That's what
sperm banks are for!
-
9. One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job
will go to a minority or woman contractor.
-
10. If a feminist does screw in a light bulb,
it will be up to the government or the father to support any children resulting
from such a sexual act. She will also require free day care for the light-bulb
children and federal funding for studies of how light-bulb children should
be treated under affirmative action hiring quotas.
-
11. One. But if she were a WHITE MALE (like
Donald Trump), she would be able to replace the light bulb much more easily.
-
12. One. And when she replaces it, she will
think of Mother Earth and use a fluorescent lamp designed to last three
times longer and to protect the environment... But if a man isn't paying
for it, then she will use the cheapest one.
-
13. Two, one to change it and one to tell
her she did a really good job.
-
14. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THAT?????!!!!???
-
15. Two - one to change the bulb and one to
write about how it feels.
-
16. Two - one to change it and one to threaten
to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere.
-
17. Two. One to threaten that as a mother,
she will be unable to provide her children light without federal assistance;
and a N.O.W. attorney to ask the Justice Department to sue GE for allowing
the bulb to go out in the first place.
-
18. Two. One to wait for a federal agency
to send someone to screw it in. Another to file harassment charges against
the men possibly looking at her in the dark.
-
19. Three - one to do it, the others to consider
unscrewing it before it's a third of the way in.
-
20. Three - one to screw it in and two to
talk about the sexual implications.
-
21. Three. One to screw it in, and two to
file a sexual harassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
-
22. Five, four to try like men and fail miserably,
one to find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
-
23. Five. One to screw the bulb and four to
negotiate television movie rights for their account of the experience.
-
24. Seven. One to change the light bulb, three
to protest the offence committed by the light bulb in regards to the socket,
two to wish secretly they were the socket, and one to wish secretly she
was the light bulb.
-
25. That depends. If there is money in it,
it takes ten women-only government contractors working two years at a salary
of $50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the man
to do it.
-
26. Ten: to form a university-funded protest
committee to research how the white male patriarchy conspires to keep women
and minorities in the dark.
-
27. Eleven. One to change the light bulb and
ten to form a survivors of darkness support group!
-
28. Seventy. One to change it while the others
make a 69.
-
29. One hundred. One to change it, and ninety-nine
to wring their hands and agonise about how oppressed the socket is.
-
30. How old-fashioned. The other ninety-nine
are there to lobby Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets - and to say
the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream feminism.
-
31. 30,000 to start a letter-writing campaign
protesting Newt Gingrich cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing
Agency...
-
32. 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington)
demanding the LB be changed!
-
How many women does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. (It's a very simple task, so...) None.
"It's a man's job."
-
2. None, they all get electrocuted trying
to excite the socket.
-
3. Three: one to take out the old one, one
to sweep up the broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put
the new one in.
-
4. Three: one to turn the bulb, two to stand
across the room and say "would you just look at what she is wearing."
-
How many men does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
1. No one knows, it's like a man putting the
toilet seat down... it never happens!
-
2. Only one, but you have to nag him for a
fortnight first.
-
3. One, and one more to change it, and one
more to keep track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds
and provide wax jobs.
-
4. None. Men don't screw in light bulbs; they
think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them.
-
5. One - men will screw anything.
-
6. Four. One to do the job and three to listen
to him brag about the screwing part.
-
How many husbands does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. We'll know as soon as one gets off the
couch and does it.
-
2. Six. One to force it with a hammer and
five to go out for more bulbs.
-
How many New Men does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. The consensus of opinion appears
to be that there is no such thing as a genuine New Man, and in any event,
the media, who like telling us what we all like, have declared that women
don't really go for New Men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity
nowadays.
-
2. Two. One to change it and one to hold the
baby.
-
How many New Romantics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow,
what an amazing concept, man!"
-
How many Real Men does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
-
Why did the 'Real Man' sit in the dark?
-
He couldn't find a new light bulb and was
too embarrassed to ask.
-
How many Real Women does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None: a Real Woman would have plenty of Real
Men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at
it.
-
How many Male Chauvinistic Pigs does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
-
2. None. They have the girls do it.
-
How many Senior Citizens does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for
the new bulb.
-
How many Valley Girls does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Oooh, like, manual labour? Gag me with a spoon!
For sure.
-
How many blondes does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. "What's a light bulb?"
-
2. It depends how many blondes there are,
but some people prefer it with the lights off.
-
3. Blondes screw in back seats, not in light
bulbs, silly.
-
4. That's a rather personal question. If you're
available on Saturday night, perhaps we could...
-
5. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves
around her.
-
6. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one
to call, "Daaady!"
-
7. Three. One to hold the light bulb, two
to spin the ladder.
-
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
-
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
-
How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
-
With lubricant. (But how does she get into
the light bulb?)
-
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
-
From trying to blow out light bulbs.
-
What's the difference between a blonde and
a light bulb?
-
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde
is easier to turn on.
-
How many Harvard men does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They're too good (nose in the air) to
do such menial work.
-
How many Essex Girls does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, they only screw in Cortinas.
-
How many light bulbs does it take to change
a dyslexic?
-
How many dyslexics (sp?) does it take to bulb
a like change?
-
1. Eno.
-
2. 6... or is it 9?
-
3. Ten, one to change the light bulb and nine
to missread the manual (sp?).
-
How many Christians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Three, but they're really only one.
-
2. Two hundred!!! One hundred to sit in church
and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again, ten to stand
on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept
what they're being told, their light might go out as well, three to try
and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the light bulb, two to gather
together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered
together in "his" name....., ten to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup
to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the
electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs), seventy-four
to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make
it bright again, and one true idiot telling the light bulb that if it really
wants to be saved and that all it has to do is to accept some paper god
and to pledge it 10% of its income and at least one day a week of time
and at least insult and generally bug five-plus people a day recounting
how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the
light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god,
come back on - unless god is just "testing" the light bulb, then it may
stay dark forever.
-
How many Christian Scientists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None, but it takes at least one to sit and
pray for the old one to go back on.
-
How many Scientologists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll
take years and years and set you back a quarter of a million bucks.
-
How many psychics does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
One.
-
How many psychics does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
How many Pro-Lifers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to do it and one to insist that
the bulb was lit when the screwing began.
-
2. Six: two to screw in the bulb and four
to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
-
3. Nine: four to block the entrance to the
room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince
the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.
-
How many Pro-Choicers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to do it and one to assert that the
bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.
-
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
-
2. Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please
test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?
-
How many dead babies does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough
to climb on to reach the bulb.
-
Variation: it depends on high the ceiling
is.
-
How many babies does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
None! A baby comes into the room and the whole
room lights up.
-
How many kids does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
None, if you beat them down, douse them with
lighter fluid, and throw them in a fire.
-
How many Purdue engineering students does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
-
How many Princeton students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Two, one to mix the Martinis and one to call
the electrician.
-
How many Brown students does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten
to share the experience.
-
How many Dartmouth students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
-
How many Cornell students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Two, one to change the light bulb and one
to crack under the pressure.
-
How many Columbia students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb,
fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five
to hold a counter-protest.
-
How many Yale students does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
-
How many Harvard/Oxford students does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for
the world to revolve around him.
-
How many graduate students does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but it may take upwards of five
years for him to get it done.
-
2. It all depends on the size of the grant.
-
3. Two and a professor to take credit.
-
4. 1/100. A graduate student needs to change
one hundred light bulbs a day.
-
5. I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free,
give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure
he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for
answering this incredibly vital question.
-
How many college students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
-
How many university students does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to fuse all the electrics while
doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the light
bulb to be changed.
-
2. Two. One to hold it and one to turn him
around.
-
3. Thirty-one. Ten to vote on whether the
light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Light Bulbs Union
first and then what to call the new light bulb - (the Nelson Mandela light
bulb?), one to put it in... and twenty to have a piss-up after to celebrate
a good day's work...
-
How many boarding school students does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they have their parents do it for them.
-
How many off-campus landlords does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None. The students will just wreck it anyhow,
so why bother?
-
How many Chinese students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one
to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
-
How many computer science students does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. They are far too busy hacking.
-
How many engineering students does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
One, but the rest of the class copies the
report.
-
How many law students does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and announce "Huh! When
I'm around the rulebook gets defenestrated!" and the other to complain
about the hipopotamonstrosesqi (can't remember the end of this word) end
of his friend's last remark.
-
How many first year civil engineering students
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
None. That's a second year subject.
-
How many pre-med students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. One hundred; one to change the light bulb,
the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
-
2. None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
-
3. Five: One to change the bulb and four to
pull the ladder out from under him.
-
How many medical students does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
-
How many maths students does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Twenty. One to change it and the rest to watch
and discuss how exciting it is.
-
How many sorority girls does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Six - one to screw it in and five to make
the t-shirts.
-
2. Fifty-one. One to change the bulb, and
fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
-
How many frat guys does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
-
2. Three: one to screw it in, and the other
two to help him down off the keg.
-
3. Five: one to hold the bulb, and four to
guzzle beer until the room spins.
-
How many students does it take to screw in
a light-bulb?
-
None, they'll be moving out next term.
-
How many Marvins does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Light bulbs, don't talk to me about light
bulbs. Brain the size of a planet and you ask me to change light bulbs.
-
(Note: that's Marvin the Paranoid Android
from the radio series/book/TV series Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
-
How many Romulans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None. They need a Cardassian to figure
it out for them.
-
2. Ch'iv na myinki blish.
-
3. One hundred and fifty-one, one to screw
the light bulb in, and one hundred and fifty to self-destruct the ship
out of disgrace.
-
How many Ferengi does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to put the new one in, and one
to sell the old one as an antique.
-
2. None. They just sell the whole lamp to
some young Starfleet ensign for lots of profit.
-
3. Just one. But he'll charge you double for
it.
-
How many shape shifters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They are the lightbulb.
-
How many Kender does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Lightbulb? Oh, this lightbulb. You must have
dropped it. I just picked it up to return it to you...
-
How many Klingons does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two, one to screw in the bulb and another
to shoot him and take the credit.
-
2. None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
-
What do they do with the dead bulb?
-
What do they do with the Klingon who replaces
the bulb?
-
Execute him for cowardice.
-
How many Vulcans does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
-
How many Borg will it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. None, they just assimilate the bulb.
-
2. All of them.
-
How many creatures from Altair VII does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
One. Though he will break the new bulb, the
glow from his fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination.
-
(Someone please tell me what TV programme
this is from...)
-
How many mechanoids does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Twelve. Y'know why? Because they're so stupid!
-
Note: from the Red Dwarf episode where Krytten
became human.
-
How many alien life forms does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know
that!
-
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial
Intelligence.
-
How many cats does it takes to screw in a
light bulb?
-
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just
douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have
all the light you need.
-
How many mice does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
1. Only one, but you have to cut a hole in
the skirting board for it to get in.
-
2. Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
-
How many elephants does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Two, but it has to be a pretty big light
bulb!
-
2. Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk
to do it.
-
Why did the light bulb cross the road?
-
Because it saw two elephants coming.
-
How long would it take an elephant and a rhinoceros
to screw in a light bulb?
-
How many sheep does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to
follow him round while he looks for a new one.
-
How many gorillas does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Only one, but it sure takes a s***load of
light bulbs!
-
How many monkeys does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
-
(With eternal thanks to David Cutmore for
this timeless classic).
-
How many dinosaurs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of
years...... 'cos they have to evolve opposable thumbs so that they can
grip the bulb to screw it in. :)
-
How many antelopes does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They are hardy animals that migrate
between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial
light source.
-
How many giraffes does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Four, one screw for each of their necks.
-
How many flies does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Two - but how did they get in there?
-
How many ants does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
I don't know, but I bet it would take a whole
lot.
-
How many medflies does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None: they do it in the fruit.
-
How many neural nets does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
-
How many antibiotics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They're there to kill it off, not to
help revive it.
-
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. "Are you sure you want to go to red alert
Sir? It does mean changing the bulb!"
-
2. Seven. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk
that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk
will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around,
notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop
at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and three red shirt security
officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by
the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile,
back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp
out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering
from the 'flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given
all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship
and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et al. The new
bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five-year mission.
-
Three blondes are attempting to change a light
bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
-
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes
changing a light bulb.
-
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
-
Blonde: Yes.
-
Operator: The power in the house in on?
-
Blonde: Of course.
-
Operator: And the switch is on?
-
Blonde: Yes, yes.
-
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
-
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
-
Operator: Then what's the problem?
-
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around
and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
-
How many Congressmen does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if
the following conditions are met: the light bulb will not be changed in
an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at
least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number
of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security
funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district
will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the
failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new
bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice
as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon
Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report
to the Congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce
light bulbs will be made by most Congressmen and their wives. The CIA will
investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian
light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval
officer. The Surgeon General will issue a report about the perils of over-bright
light bulbs. A programme to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford
them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech
extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neill will initiate a
program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every Congressman
will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he
managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
-
How many lawyers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. It only takes one lawyer to change your
light bulb to his light bulb.
-
2. You won't find a lawyer who can change
a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
-
3. Whereas the party of the first part, also
known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light
Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position
as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e.,
the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area
just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include,
but not be limited to, the following steps:
-
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall,
with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool,
ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
-
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third
part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner
consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
-
3. Once separation and disposal have been
achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of
beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of
the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being
careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction,
this point also being non-negotiable.
-
NOTE: the above described steps may be performed,
at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorised by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue
for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership".
-
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former
nuclear weapon components plant in Golden, Colorado, should it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Sixteen - and that's no joke: an internal
memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department of Energy plant recommended
a new safety procedure for "the replacement of a light bulb in a criticality
beacon." The beacon, similar to the revolving red lamp atop a police car,
warns workers of nuclear accidents. The memo said the job should take at
least sixteen people over sixty hours to replace the light. It added that
the same job used to take twelve workers 4.15 hours. The memo called for
a planner to meet with six others at a work-control meeting; talk with
other workers who have done the job before; meet again; get signatures
from five people at that work-control meeting; get the project plans approved
by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste management and
plant scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality-beacon test; direct electricians
to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the repair. Mark Obmascik
in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest).
-
How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
-
Note: Radcliffe is the all-women's college
near Harvard that used to be where women went before Harvard went co-ed.
Since then it has earned a reputation for militant feminism as it has remained
all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed failure to laugh along at
deprecatory remarks.
-
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They will never find one that burned
as brightly as the first one.
-
How many <<ethnics>> does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. We don't know yet. No <<ethnic>>
has ever tried to attempt this complex (by <<ethnic>> standards)
technical feat.
-
2. Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate
the ladder.
-
How many strong <<ethnics>> does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One hundred and fifteen. One to hold the bulb
and one hundred and fourteen to rotate the house.
-
How many <<ethnic>> gods does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to
rotate the planet.
-
How many cabbage patch dolls does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
The question is irrelevant since you couldn't
find the dolls even if you knew how many.
-
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of
obtaining cabbage patch dolls.
-
How many board meetings does it take to get
a light bulb changed?
-
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion,
but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued
next week. Meanwhile...
-
How many a**holes does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None, a**holes never see the light anyway.
-
How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. What?! And ruin my nails???
-
2. Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
-
3. Two. One to call the electrician and one
to fix the Martinis.
-
3a. Two. One to change the bulb and one to
mix the drinks.
-
4. Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call
the building superintendant.
-
Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a
Tab = a can of Tab the drink.
-
How many junkies does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
-
2. Two: one to roll it, and one to light it
up.
-
How many recovering addicts does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. One, but it takes twelve steps.
-
2. One, as long as he admits he's powerless
over light bulbs.
-
3. One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
-
How many pot growers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
-
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
How many Existentialists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two: One to screw it in and one to observe
how the light bulb itself symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
cosmos of nothingness.
-
2. Two. One to doubt the existence of the
bulb, and one to question the need to replace it since we are all destined
to die anyway.
-
How many dull people does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
How many big black monoliths does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead
end.
-
How many philosophers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Hmmm... well there's an interesting question
isn't it?
-
2. Three. One to change it and two to stand
around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
-
3. Define "light bulb".................
-
How many Random Light Bulb Joke readers does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
None. They just wait for a new one to be loaded.
-
How many Mensans does it take to screw in
a litebulb?
-
None. They know that litebulb is misspelled
and therefore cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were
a Miller Lite bulb...
-
How many Mensans does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
-
2. None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed", they
are humanely euthanised.
-
3. Sixty-six. Eleven philosophers to ponder
whether it is actually possible to do anything; ten semanticists to debate
the various possible meanings of each phrase, word and syllable; nine columnists
to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers
to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who
delight in pointing out others' mistakes (what is said is not as important
as saying it correctly); six Conservatives who believe things should stay
the way they are; five Liberals who believe that action should be taken
immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery
SOBs who disagree on principle with anything anyone else has suggested;
three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without
showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians
who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist
to ignore the BS and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this
is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make
absolutely sure that it really does add up to sixty-six.
-
How many light bulbs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. One, if it knows its own Gödel number.
-
Note: a Gödel Number is one of several
ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer,
or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that
if the machine knows its own Gödel Number it can simulate itself...
It does come from the mathematician Gödel - partly because he used
TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.
-
2. Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah
???)
-
How many Dadaists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
To get to the other side.
-
How many Democratic presidential candidates
from 1988 did it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened
government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light
bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for
the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your
home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months'
notice.
-
2. (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about
screwing in light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and
that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand
up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else
does]. Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
-
3. (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether
the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made
in the U.S. of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to
importing US light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost
$10,000 to screw in here.
-
4. (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing
is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly,
I resent it, and the American people resent it.
-
5. (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing
wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners
won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
-
6. (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm
foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's
what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say
I'm foolish for this, but in all candour, I change my light bulbs the same
way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
-
7. (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb
is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb
changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful
fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or
gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream
or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light
their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.
-
How many Republican Presidential candidates
from 1988 did it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up
in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
-
2. (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed?
Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont
administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce
light bulbs that never need changing.
-
3. (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination,
heal this light bulb!
-
4. (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should
we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about
light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
-
5. (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
-
6. (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog
voice) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I think the
media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are TIRED
of light bulb jokes.
-
How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy
theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
Fifteen - one to screw it in, five to say
he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one
to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that
a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not
act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed,
three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really
screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation
specialists.
-
How many election canvassers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They'd just go round telling everyone
that it's time for a change but the only way this can come about is if
everyone votes for "New light bulb."
-
How many Russians does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
That's a military secret.
-
How many military information officers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
At the present point in time it is against
policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information
of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
-
How many American Imperialist Pigs does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to
search through the cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for
one that isn't defective.
-
Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent
of an ethnic joke.
-
How many Sparts does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
You can't change a light bulb. You have to
smash it!
-
Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a Leftist
fringe group that believes in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael
Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard.
-
How many Leninists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got
to be SMASHED!!!
-
How many Trotskyists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but the bulb has to be changed constantly.
-
How many Anarchists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
All of them.
-
Note: An anarchic society has no one in charge;
each must do for theirself. Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them.
Or, none of them. Or several." (BTW, I prefer "theirself" to any other
construction).
-
How many British Navy Officers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to
get there.
-
How many Chinese does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Thousands, because Confucius say many hands
make light work.
-
How many Seventies disco dancers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to
say "Get daaowwwwn!"
-
How many Blacks does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three: one to boogie up the ladder, two to
keep the beat.
-
How many retarded Italian gardeners does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One, but don't expect results.
-
How many European ballet dancers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they like Danzig in the dark.
-
How many inner-city gang members does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Four - one to rob the liquour store to get
money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and
one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
-
How many amoebas does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One. No, two. No, four. No, eight. No, sixteen.
No, thirty-two.......
-
How many paranoids does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
-
2. JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH?
HUH?
-
How many Dario Argento fans does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to film the
demise of the old one in explicit gory detail, using obscure camera angles.
-
How many schizophrenics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Well, he thinks it's five but as we all know
it's only him, so...
-
How many people with multiple personality
disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One, but they're really three.
-
How many manic-depressives does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Only one, but they keep changing it back and
forth between the new and old bulbs.
-
(Yes, anal-retentive really does have a hyphen).
-
How many smokers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
At least five. If they all light up together
the light bulb will do so too.
-
How many people in a Burger King advert does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
None. "I can't change my light bulb. But I
can change my burger to a Burger King burger."
-
How many archaeologists does does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change it and two to argue about
how old the old one is.
-
How many preservation society members does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One, but it takes a year to find an antique
Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
-
How many people does it take to change a light
bulb in an architect-designed house?
-
None. You can't change the light bulbs in
an architect-designed house.
-
How many "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Two hundred, and don't ask why because they
haven't figured that out yet.
-
How many of me does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three. One to change it, one to make up a
joke about it, and one to spend the next six months going round telling
it to everyone.
-
How many mutants does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Two thirds.
-
Note: many mutations/birth defects result
in people missing limbs, etc. Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person".
Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the job?"
-
How many Contras does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but he doesn't know where it
came from.
-
2. One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli,
four Canadians, an Arab, twenty Swiss, an Afghan, and Oliver North to help
him.
-
Note: both answers are topical to the 1987
Iran/Contra hearings.
-
How many social workers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket
and take it away, without checking whether or not there was actually anything
wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find
somewhere else to screw it in for the next six months, and one eventually
to bring it back and say it was all done with the light bulb's best interests
at heart.
-
2. Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel
the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one
to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following
the correct working practice.
-
3. One, but it takes another eight to call
a meeting, to produce a leaflet entiled "Coping with Darkness".
-
How many Social Scientists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
They do not change light bulbs; they search
for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
-
How many Indiana University "notes" users
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. All of them, since changing light bulbs
is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.
-
2. Have you ever wondered why it's so dark
in Bloomington?
-
How many Japanese industrialists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not
foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential
of the old bulb.
-
How many Schriners does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Four. One to change the bulb, and three to
steady the wagon.
-
How many Saturn owners does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
All of them, but the factory guy has to talk
them through it.
-
How many Buick Grand National owners does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
None. Since Grand Nationals travel faster
than the speed of light, you never knew the bulb was burnt out in the first
place.
-
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
How many Ergonomicists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT
to turn, and...
-
How many [trying to think of it] does it take
to change a light bulb? ????
-
One to change it, ???? to????, and one to
complain that even after all these technical advances, a light bulb still
only lasts one thousand hours.
-
How many bankers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Four - One to hold the bulb and three to
try to remember the combination (left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)
-
2. None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
-
Note: ever notice that the electronic bank
signs are full of burned-out light bulbs?
-
How many bank vice-presidents does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Seven. One to change the bulb, and half a
dozen more to consider the impact of additional light on the balance sheet.
-
How many gardeners does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Three. One to change it and two to have
a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in
light bulbs or daffodil bulbs.
-
2. Just one. The new light bulbs are just
as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.
-
How many Mexicans does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
As many as will fit in the El Camino.
-
Note: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no
longer made) that was popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped
as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go low-riding.
-
How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to
change a light bulb??
-
Hell!, You mean it was one of OURS!?!?!
-
Note: Topical to the shooting down of two
Allied helicopters over Iraq.
-
How many terrorists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop
a distraction.
-
2. Six. One to change the bulb, and five to
take the credit when it explodes.
-
3. Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the
bulb and another to claim responsibility in a phone call to the news media.
-
How many members of the P.L.O. does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Forty-five - one to drive the car, four to
shoot the president of Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president
of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom
note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a
truck with two thousand kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one
to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building
with working lights.
-
How many SAS men does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Three. One to change it and two to shout GO!
GO! GO!
-
How many Scousers does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
One, but two hundred had to apply for the
job.
-
How many Liverpool supporters does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Ninety-six. One to change it and ninety-five
to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
-
(Topical to the Hillsborough disaster).
-
How many cryonicists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Four - one to ensure that the light bulb is
certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to cool it
slowly to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years
for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
-
How many EEPers does it take to replace a
light bulb?
-
Ten - one to replace the bulb and nine to
do a long-term study of the effects on his/her social development relative
to same-age peers who sat around in the dark.
-
Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the
University of Washington.
-
How many shipping dept. personnel does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days;
if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed
overnight.
-
How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
-
2. Two-fifty.
-
3. One, to be dying of cancer and request
that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into
the Guinness Book of World Records.
-
4. One, who'll do it for food.
-
5. One, to have a drink with a strange woman
in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room,
find a scar on his back, and realise where the light bulb went.
-
6. Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb
turns the same way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis
Effect (which is actually pretty negligible).
-
7. Furrfu!
-
Note: - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded
in Rot-13 (a simple but commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary
against unwanted exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive language).
-
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
-
Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse
the issue.
-
How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was
responsible for the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati,
one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that
Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the British-dominated
establishment was telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced,
Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other people
to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.
-
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another
light bulb joke?
-
Six hundred and twenty-two - one to tell the
original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it, believing
this to constitute a great new joke that no-one else had ever thought of.
-
How many net.poets does it take to change
a light bulb?
swimming
None, fish are through the of my consciousness,
and edges
I dark.
like the
How many net.junkies does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One. But he's gotta cross-post it all over
the goddamn place.
How many USENET users does it take to screw
in a ligth bulb?
-
1. Six. One to point out the spelling (you
illiterate idiot!), one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!, one
to flame the flamer, one to ask to be removed from the news group, one
to ask for a copy of the last message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT
the joke.
-
2. Fifty - one to do it and forty-nine to
talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
-
Note: a nice try, but there's no such group.
-
[1] alt.fan.lightbulbs is
quite active, though - BRIAN.
How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Fifty. They all stand out in the hall while
Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs
people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble
and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects
more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have
brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.
How many rec.humour posters does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Thirty-one. One to change the light bulb and
thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that
thirty-two... Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup
is rec.humor (US spelling) not rec.humour.
How many rec.humor readers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. One hundred - one to announce that it burned
out, ten to agree, twenty to come running in with new light bulbs and screw
them in, nine to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, ten to ask for
a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later
and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over
again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to one
hundred.
-
2. One thousand. And they change the same
bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed
so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then
someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.
-
3. Five hundred and sixty-five. One to put
in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), six to flame the first, pointing out
that this bulb is different from the old one, twenty-nine to counter-flame,
pointing out that the new bulb is deliberately different, and is parodying
the old one, seven to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the
six, twelve to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room,
fourteen to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing
it the first time, and four hundred and ninety-six (a bit excessive, but
it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb
back in.
-
4. An infinitely growing number:- one to announce
that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in
saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have shots for
it nowadays", one to post in saying "Our news software hasn't been working
and I missed the original light bulb joke. Would someone please post it
again or email it to me?", one to post in quoting everything so far and
the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build
the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't get
it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes?", one to post in after two months
"What's this light bulb joke you're all talking about?", one to repost
it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get it.
What's the punchline?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these? I'm
starting a list, so please send me all your light bulb jokes", and one
to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs six months later prefixed
by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here?" and accompanied by all of our
old favourites like "How many programmers...? None, that's a hardware problem",
three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old light bulbs archived
at?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals
of two to six months.
How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
Four. One actually to change the bulb, one
to write amusing footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie
to ask if that's really THE Terry or Colette or both, and then to realise
that the speed of light can't be measured, except in badgers, or possibly
multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to find
the lyrics for the hedgehog song...
How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE
dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR WArHead!!
How many Nitpicks does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None. They just let someone else change it,
then they point out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, because The KILLOR killed him!
-
(Note : The last three all refer to personalities
in the rec.humor group).
How many AOL users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Who knows, but AOL is gonna charge him
up the a** to find out how many ways other people do it.
-
2. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and
one to watch him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
-
3. Eight. One screws in the light bulb, but
seven more do too, owing to a software bug.
-
4. Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb
gif mailing list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message
asking for the instructions on how to view a light bulb.
-
Note: If you don't believe me, see the alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels,
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex newsgroups and you will
see threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s long consisting of all AOLers requesting
to be put on non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists. Internet folklore tells
us that all the gits are on AOL. The software they're using is only partly
to blame.
How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Most of them. One to change it and post a
little joke about it to the list, one to post in saying "I got it", one
to post in saying "Yes, but they have herbal remedies for it nowadays",
one to post "And homoeopathic ones too, I read somewhere", one to post
in saying he accidentally deleted the original light bulb joke and could
someone please post it again or email it to him, one to post in quoting
everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade,
one to post "What's this light bulb joke you're all talking about then?",
one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind of food", one to post "In
that case, has anyone got a recipe for one then?", one to post in requesting
Michael Traub look up and tell us all its B12 content, one to post "Will
it help cure my auntie's arthritis?", one to assert that it probably won't,
but its effectiveness at this might well be increased by accompanying it
with some Shiatsu and meditation, two to condemn that as too unscientific,
one to ask whether light bulbs are totally Vegan, one to post "Read the
FAQ", one assert that they are and add "I like light bulbs. They're low
in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too!", one to announce that she's
leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit more meaningful, three
to post in reassuring her that eventually it will, Lissa Mosley to post
that the list moderators feel they must respectfully request that the discussion
be moved to private email as it has been going on far too long, one to
agree with this and add "So what has all this got to do with ethical Veg*nism
anyway?" and suggest the discussion be moved to alt.fan.lightbulbs, and
one to post in quoting this suggestion and add "What's that?". So the discussion
moves to Usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l subscribers venture beyond the
boundaries of email, and alt.fan.lightbulbs finds itself taking a few days
off from the "My incredible light" and "Light Bulb death" discussions and
come up with some new jokes...
How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads
of sweat glistened on her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy
had gone to the hardware store to get a new light bulb. Suddenly the door
opened and there he stood, silhouetted against the sharp light from the
doorway. She could see the bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any light
bulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he started
unzipping his pants...
How many uk.singles readers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Most of them. One female to notice that it
had gone out and post something about how light bulbs are so masculine
to the group, two to post in disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to post
"Bog off stumpy!", a whole terminal room in Keele to sit there discussing
it only among themselves, one to post a coherent critique of Susan Macran's
last post, Kate Smith to complain that the women always get flamed more
than the men, Menya to say that light bulbs are sexy as long as they're
orange and could someone bring her a nice hot one, and two people to post
in suggesting a boink so they can all get together and change the light
bulb, with real friendship and good lighting not relationships uppermost
in their minds. During all this time, not one person dares risk losing
points by posting a personals ad.
How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None. Torches are more traditional.
-
2. Twenty-three. One to change the bulb and
twenty-two to argue how their family tradition regarding light bulbs is
more justified and ancient than anyone else's.
How many IRC chatters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye,
and kicking each other off that no-one ever has enough time to get anything
done!
How many humour theorists does it take to
submit a light bulb joke?
-
Three hundred - one to change the bulb and
two hundred and ninety-nine to analyse it to death.
How many Netters does it take to submit a
light bulb joke?
-
1. One thousand - one to invent the joke and
nine hundred and ninety-nine to submit "How many programmers does it take
to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
-
2. Two, one to do it and one to read this
huge file first to check it hasn't been done already!
How many light bulb jokes does it take to
change a light bulb joke?
-
Hmmmm - the probability that a given light
bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is 0.4, and the
probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission
is 0.2 . Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter
of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within
the last two or three weeks), the probability that it will change in a
given week is 0.08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a
light bulb joke.
How many knock-knock jokes does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
How many GLC workers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Four. One to do it and three to go round putting
up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change
the light bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
S** you! That's the electrician's job.
How many Utilitarians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
How many Newtons does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
-
2. Farm.
How many Newton users does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling
processcr.
-
Note: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting
recognition techniques.
How many Modern Artists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall,
one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to
glue light bulbs to a Cocker Spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket
and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching
the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun,
and the Cocker Spaniel (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
How many Sado-Masochists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair
out from under him.
How many Paul Daniels does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. "And that's magic!"
How many Will Rogers does it take to change
a dead light bulb?
-
None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't
like.
How many computer security experts does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object
light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one,
but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she
must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert
channels are not allowed. [See also the "Orange Book"]
How many Systems Assurance testers does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. We just noticed the room was dark. We
don't fix the problems, we just find them.
How many SAS programmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. How many?
-
2. It depends:- if they are applications programmers,
it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are
host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or Microsoft
Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds
the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
-
3. One to analyse the historical failure rates
of light bulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the
light bulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why
SAS is better for changing light bulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT,
MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing
the user to request manually the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT
which will summarise the light bulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve
different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type and prematureness-of-failure)
and totalled, one actually to spin the light bulb into the socket using
SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new
version of the light bulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using light
bulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its light
bulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz light bulbs tend to explode upon insertion
in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten-line SAS macro
program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission-critical
light bulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will
automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes,
one to write a graphical front end to the light bulb changing process using
SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of light bulbs changed
per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger light
bulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarising the entire light bulb project,
taking credit for the design and execution of the light bulb project itself
as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare
a second SUGI paper benchmarking light bulb replacement on twelve different
types of light sockets, with separate graphs for fluorescent and incandescent
bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, colour, polylines,
and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac),
ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Light Bulb manuals, and, one more
to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, now.
-
4. Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do
it for us.
-
5. Please let us know!
-
6. That depends; what colour is the bulb?
-
7. It all depends on whether they can read
the manuals or not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
-
8. They can't change light bulbs... Without
light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure
out how to change the light bulb.
-
9. This can not be computed. Changing light
bulbs is a hardware problem...
-
10. Two. One to change the light bulb and
one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
-
11. One, once the documentation for the procedure
is found in one of the fifteen manuals on the shelf.
-
12. Well, it depends upon the platform on
which one stands!
-
13. Actually none, if you are willing to close
your eyes to the (validity of the) output.
-
14. It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is
more than 8 characters long.
How many APL hackers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. There's a primitive for that.
-
Note: I don't do APL but I think a primitive
is a procedure that is included as a part of the language. You don't have
to write code ("hack") to do it.
How many Technical Support staff does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. "Well, we have an exact copy of your light
bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about
the exact problem?..."
-
2. I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of
lighting technology.
-
3. Our engineers are busy at the moment...
We have assigned query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to
it in all future correspondence.
How many WordPerfect support technicians does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here,
and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you
have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five
things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
How many MIS guys does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
MIS has received your request concerning your
hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please
use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
How many first-time computer users does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One, but it takes him three hours and two
phone calls to the electrician before he realises he forgot to turn the
switch on.
How many experienced computer users does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
Dammit, why do they have to keep changing
it? Every b***** week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's
not broken they shouldn't b***** about with it. What's that? It WAS broken
this time, you say? Blush...
How many televangelists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. They screw in hotel rooms.
How many of Jed's followers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere,
even in light bulbs.
How many gas fitters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three: one to turn up the day before when
you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong
kind of bulb.
How many builders does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One, but I'll 'ave to take out yer rafters
and 'ave a go at yer damp an'all Missus. Gi's a week or two and I'll drop
round some numbers.
How many Romanians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Sixty thousand dead and three hundred thousand
injured.
-
2. None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use
only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity.
-
3. How many packs of cigarettes are you willing
to give them?
How many tourists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask
for directions.
What did the light bulb say to the fuse?
How many rednecks does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Six. They all beat the hell out of it,
leave it lying in a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.
-
2. One, it only takes one person to use a
hammer.
-
3. Two, one to drive their home to the hardware
store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
-
4. Three, one to change the bulb, one to take
care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending
to the sheep's needs.
-
5. Five, one to change it, one to drink a
beer to it, one to write a song about it, and two to go to the parking
lot and fight about it.
How many trainspotters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change it, one to write its
serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
How many Blue Peter presenters does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to change it, and one to turn
the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
-
2. One to make the new bulb out of an empty
loo roll and sticky-back plastic.
How many people on Get Stuffed does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops
to buy a new one, of whom person one then rips it unceremoniously out of
its packaging and person two starts to do the changing, and the two "Mystery
Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.
How many A & R men does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. None. "We're not changing any light bulbs
at the moment."
-
2. None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam
on this one, but I liked it better without the light bulb."
How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None. That's a tech job.
-
Note: that joke is a lot funnier if you know
a little bit about the wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it
to say that it is a highly unionised environment, and there is always a
little friendly (?) bickering between the technicians and the jocks. :-)
How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change it and two to resign
over the changes.
Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people
it takes to change a light bulb?
-
Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll
hum the tune in moving harmony...
How many crusties does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and
crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger
in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the
bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what
a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and
#8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least
two off-licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop.
While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy six new bulbs for the princely
sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating
as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They
are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten
but they do at least sound familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues
until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On
their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined
the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped.
Anyway once inside, the light bulbs are all smashed on the floor and the
stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12
comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find
he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the
dog, holding the last unsmashed light bulb in its mouth.
How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
-
Note: could someone please tell me if this
is referring to anything...
How many dogs does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. Golden Retriever: the sun is shining, the
day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside
worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?
-
2. Border Collie: just one. And I'll replace
any wiring that's not up to code.
-
3. German Shepherd: I'll guard the lightbulb
while you decide. Back off!
-
4. Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!
-
5. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border
Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house,
my nails will be dry.
-
6. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
-
7. Shi-tzu: puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it
for the servants.
-
8. Lab: oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change
the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
-
9. Malamute: let the Border Collie do it.
You can feed me while he's busy.
-
10. Chow Chow: I'm with the Malamute. After
I take my nap that is!
-
11. Akita: I'm with the Chow and Malamute!
What's for dinner?
-
12. Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox
Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps,
and it's mine, ALL mine!!
-
13. Cocker Spaniel: why change it? I can still
pee on the carpet in the dark.
-
14. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the
dark.
-
15. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
-
16. Chihuahua: yo quiero Taco Bulb.
-
17. Greyhound: it isn't moving. Who cares?
-
18. Kelpie: put all the light bulbs in a little
circle.
-
19. Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight
there.
How many Goths does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. None. They prefer everything all black
anyway.
-
2. Just one, who gets the candles out.
-
3. Just one, they normally can't cope with
people anyway.
How many Evangelists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Thirty-three. One to do it, two to bask in
its glory, and thirty to take collections in the bulb's name.
How many sex therapists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him
he's screwing it in the wrong way.
How many witches does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
It depends on what you want them to change
it into.
How many egotists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits
for the world to revolve around him.
How many health food freaks does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Two. One to remove the old one, and one to
check the ingredients on the new one.
-
(But did they change it for health or philosophical
reasons?)
How many Vegans does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to get out a
copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror
that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved
in (blah blah blah...)
How many people at a London Vegans meeting
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
All thirty. Well, actually it's only one,
but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all
the announcements.
How many Macrobiotics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to make the coffee, one to get
the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
How many old Macrobiotics does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Five. One to change it, three to hold the
ladder, and one to call the ambulance.
How many young Macrobiotics does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. They all sit in a circle, watching the
old Macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
How many VMM members does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. None. They don't turn up for anything any
more.
-
(A little bit of bitterness there from Brian).
-
2. Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten
to stand around discussing what they all want to do next.
-
Note: VMM = Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles
group where nobody ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should
do anything.
How many New-Agers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Ten. One actually to do it, and nine to
stand around going "Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I mean,
I COULD do it, but of course I woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone
else..."
-
2. Two. One to change it and one to check
the new one for bad psychic auras (and optionally another dozen to perform
the Dance of the Renewal of the Light).
-
3. Two. One to screw it in and one to check
the astrology.
-
4. Two. One to change it and one to work out
whether it'll work in the future.
How many French farmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new
light bulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and
promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and
then farmer #3 changes it.
-
Note: topical to French farmers setting fire
to imported British sheep.
How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
One hundred - one to do it and the others
to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap
beer drinkin' cable TV pirating obnoxious belchin' Americanos does it take
to screw in a LIGHT BULB?
-
1. None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed
changing. Even if they did they'd get someone else to do it.
-
2. One, but he'll be too busy touting the
superiority of the soft white variety over all others.
How many racists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
The question is irrelevant since you can never
find anyone that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you
were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a
racist, BUT ....."
How many White Supremacists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None... the light bulb in their heads never
comes on!
-
2. At least twenty-five, but once they get
revved up on moonshine they'll realise the bulb is white and should refuse
to change!
-
3. At least fifty. But it never gets done
'cuz now the bulb is dark and they must organise a march against it!
-
4. All of them, until the moonshine tells
them It has plenty of proof this is all a Jewish conspiracy!
How many Beverly Hills realtors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three: one to screw it in and two to learn
Arabic.
-
Note: Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate;
the joke refers to the many Arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods
in the United States.
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they have a service come in and do that.
How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk
about how much better it was in the Sixties.
How many yuppies does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Two. One to mix the gin 'n' tonics, and one
to phone the electrician.
-
(Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive
imported lagers...)
-
(Secondly, this is meant to be told about
Sloane Rangers, but most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant
so I changed it.)
How many Politically Correct people does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. "Why should we impose our values on
the light bulb? If it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should
respect its uniqueness and individuality."
How many Politically Correct Clergy does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change
light bulbs. They ban light bulb jokes.
How many small-town people does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he
isn't doing it too fast.
How many suburbanites does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but it has to look like every other light
bulb on the block.
How many residents of country towns does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they're afraid there's been too much
development already.
How many people about to move out of the city
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
They don't bother, the neighbourhood's been
turning black anyway.
How many humans does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Not sure; I only know it takes only one to
press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating
how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to
manufacture more and replace them.
How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take
to change a light-bulb?
-
Two, one to change the light-bulb and one
to have an orgasm with the old one.
How many Sun readers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate
the ladder.
-
2. None, but one is enough to screw up the
joke.
How many poltergeists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop
it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more
things about just for good measure.
How many lexicographers does it take to change
a lightbulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to protest that
he should have changed it to "light bulb".
How many IKEA shop assistants does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
"Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We
expect it to arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just
go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks, anytime."
How many Rochester residents does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Fifty-one - one to screw in the bulb, and
fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in
Buffalo.
How many Buffalonians does it take to screw
a in a light bulb?
-
Two - one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank,
and one to screw it in.
How many teenage girls does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours
telling all her friends about it.
How many Daleks does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level
the building.
-
2. One and a half million: to conquer a race
that can climb ladders for them.
How many people in Twin Peaks does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to wrap the
dead one in plastic.
-
Note: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps
the victims in plastic.
How many MTV cartoon characters does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Light Bulbs
suck or something... Huh-huh-huh... Yeah! But light bulb jokes are coool...
huh-huh... Huh-huh... Light Bulb jokes kick aaaasss... (inserts hand into
trousers and rubs up and down...)
-
2. Butthead: Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, HOW?
-
Beavis: I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
-
Butthead: I dunno know either you dumb ass.
Uhhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
-
Beavis: Who are you calling dumb ass, butt
munch? Heh-heh-heh-heh.
-
Butthead: You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
-
Beavis: Shut up Butthead!
-
Butthead: No, you shut up!
-
Beavis: Shut up!
-
Butthead: Shut up!
-
Beavis: Shut up!
-
Butthead: No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh!
Answer the damn question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
-
Beavis: Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm,
what is the question, Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
-
Butthead: Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
I thought you knew. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
-
Beavis: I think I am having a stiffy. Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
-
Butthead: Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
I think it was like, uh-uh, like how many, uh-uh, like Beavis and Buttheads,
huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh, does take to screw in a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
-
Beavis: I dunno know...
-
Butthead: Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
I think he means like our, uh-uh, ...
-
3. Butthead: "Uh huh huh huh huh. You said
"Screw."
-
Beavis: "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw.
Screw. SCREW!"
-
Butthead: "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick
your ass."
How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Only one, but it takes him two weekends and
three trips to the hardware store.
How many blind people does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. It depends whether the switch is on or
off.
-
2. If the switch is off, one. If the switch
is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
How many deaf blind people does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Depends on whether or not you can get them
to notice the darkness...
How many Victorians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
<Ahem> we do not discuss this with ladies
and children present.
How many BATF agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Four hundred to attempt to seize the old
bulb and then surround the house when it rebuffs them.
-
2. It doesn't matter, they just burn down
the house.
-
Note: BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco,
and Firearms, repsonsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out!)
Branch Davidians siege in spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second
punchline suggests.
How many xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents,
narcs, deans) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
Six. One to seize the light bulb and the others
hold him very very still, because they KNOW the world turns.
How many CIA covert operatives does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Three - one to change the bulb and one to
spread disinformation.
How many Group 4 security guards does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Two in an armoured car, but it escaped on
its way to the socket.
How many Police Academies does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
VI, but they're all basically the same.
How many Supreme Court Justices does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Nine - three to form a plurality, two to concur
in part, two to dissent, one to concur in part and dissent in part with
the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
How many Hegelians does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the
room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands across from him and
says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis
when the bulb gets screwed in.
-
Note: Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure
called dialectics to seek answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions.
Shortened it is "thesis, antithesis, synthesis". Thus 'no light' and 'no
dark' can arrive at a middle ground through logical examination 'it's dark
but it can be made light'.
How many Platonists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires
in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.
How many New Historicists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None - historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer
is a relatively modern invention.
How many folklorists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Three, one to do it, one to write the grant,
and one to complain that the old one was better.
-
2. Ten. One to change it and nine to document
it.
How many Deconstructionists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is
screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really
hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
-
2. You have to examine the nature of the question.
How many chickens does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Two - one to do it and one to cross the
road.
-
2. Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon
as she decides it isn't going to hatch.
-
3. None. They're all far too busy crossing
the road.
How many kindergarden kids does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
How many Pizza Hut employees does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Three - one to do it, one to hold the ladder,
and one to tell the story about "last night."
-
Note: this is guaranteed true by someone who
used to work there. The stories refer to wild copious drinking and also
a few bedroom exploits.
How many undertakers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They just paint them black and go on
using them.
How many talk show hosts does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to
ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions
from the audience.
How many gun control advocates does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. Let the police do it - private citizens
can't be trusted with light bulbs!
-
2. They don't do that; they pass laws against
burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile,
a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
How many NRA members does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three - one to give up the old bulb when they
pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm
the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
How many Newfies does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket
and one to hammer the new one in.
-
2. Five, one to hold the light bulb, four
to turn the ladder.
-
3. Ninety-nine, one to hold the light bulb,
ninety-eight to turn the house.
-
(A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid
- usually told by Canadians).
How many Baby Boomers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Ten - four to talk about how great it is that
they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it
for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce
about mass naked bulb screwings in the 'sixties, one to watch reruns of
'fifties TV shows, and one to play classic rock.
How many (Generation) Xers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the
Boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum
wage.
How many vampires does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None, they like it in the dark.
How many one-armed people does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
How many <<members of your favourite
group>> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-
Two, but they have to be really tiny.
How many CND supporters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They won't, because:
-
"I'm not about to touch anything that has
WATT written on it!"
-
"If we change our bulb, they will just change
theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?"
-
"We already have enough bulbs to illuminate
the entire world three times over."
-
"We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs
as long as anyone is hungry anywhere."
-
"We don't know what effect all this artificial
light will have on the future of mankind."
-
"Nature provides us with all the light we
need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet."
-
"Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
-
"The candle is more traditional, and it uses
no electricity."
-
"It is the responsibility of the Federal Government
to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed,
colour, sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status,
national origin, or need."
How many Furries does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Four. One to climb up the ladder and change
the light bulb. Three to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry,
wear clothing which emphasises curves and musculature, and look cute and
dangerous at the same time.
-
Note: Furries = characters in what's called
"furry" science fiction. Best depicted on cover art; the men look like
bodybuilders, the women are indescribably buxom, and both wear some version
of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes to show as much skin and musculature as possible.
How many Furfen does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three. One to climb up the ladder and change
the light bulb. One to complain that there was too much erotica in the
previous answer and this one, and that people should come up with more
non-erotic answers because of the impact on public negativity towards furriness.
And the third to explain about their erotic dreams involving furry light
bulb jokes.
-
Note: Furfen = fans of Furries. "fen" is a
long-used plural for "fan".
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac
does it take to replace a light bulb?
-
Many hands make light work.
-
Note: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic
of colonial Americana, written (pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the
1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty lifestyle in the form of aphorisms,
including that one, so it makes a nice play on words.
How many big black monoliths does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead
end.
-
Note: it might be something to do with the
film - 2001 Space Odyssey. It's more the book, actually. That and "The
Lost Worlds of 2001" should help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths,
according to the books, are meant to help man evolve, something sort of
hinted at in the film but more explicitly stated in the books.
How many light bulbs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
-
(Could somebody please explain this one to
me! I think it's something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt
Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things).
How many Bayesians/Subjectivists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
As many as you think it takes.
-
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much
about Bayesian inference (and about the subjectivity inherent in "classical"
inference) since then - so spare us the flames about the misperceptions
on which the above joke is based.
How many Dadaists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
To get to the other side.
-
Note: The "Dadaist" answer, like Dadaism itself,
goes further than the Surrealist one. Whereas the Surrealist one at least
bears the semblance of a relationship to the question, the Dadaist one
is the punchline to another joke entirely.
How many spies does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Why bother?
-
(I guess the point is that spies like to do
everything in the dark anyway?)
How many EST followers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells
them what rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed
to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
-
Note: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some
sort of self-esteem-building programme that was popular in the late 1970s.
The sessions were as described in the punchline.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
1. Two, one to hold the bulb and the other
to tell him it's against the will of God.
-
2. Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake
pies.
-
Note: The Amish are a people, also known as
the "Pennsylvania Dutch", who mostly (though not exclusively) live in south-eastern
Pennsylvania and are noted for their religion. They adhere to a strict
code of living that forbids using such modern conveniences as electricity
and automobiles, and indeed often look and act as if they were time travellers
from the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and buggy
carts). They are descended from German Protestant immigrants of that time
(hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people misunderstood "Deutsch", the
answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people
to SE PA every year, where they often have a chance to sample their sweet
pies and cakes. Hence the joke.
How many NSC members does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. We can't say.
-
2. Three, in fourteen countries.
-
Note: the NSC is the US National Security
Council, whose rubric Oliver North was acting under, and which is often
accused by people such as Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.
How many Dune Coons does it take to replace
a light bulb?
-
Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn
the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
-
Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a third-world
peasant.
How many Supply-Siders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb
to change by itself.
-
Note: "Supply-Siders" were the force behind
Reagan's early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those
of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that
if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating
supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable
point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't
quite work out that way.
How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness"
support group.
-
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's
the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.
How many Lacanians does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Three - one to do it, one to desire it, and
the ignorant Other.
-
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent
French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary
critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.
How many Gypsies does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
-
Note: none because Gypsies don't have mains
electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies.
You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty
soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.
How many Helmsley employees does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
One hundred: ninety-nine to try, and one to
fire them all.
-
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New
York?) hotel who was a real bitch to work for. She fired employees at little
or no provocation.
How many marginals does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two: one to screw it in real good, and one
to call the proctologist.
-
Note: anyone know what a marginal is or does?
It sounds like a rude reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting
foreign objects in each others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal" is some regional
insulting term for some kind of male homosexual?
How many Martians does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
One and a half.
-
(Is this a science-fiction in-joke?)
Why did the light bulb fall out of the tree?
-
1. 'Cos it was doing an impersonation of the
sun, setting.
-
2. 'Cos Christmas tree decorations are always
cheap and nasty.
-
3. 'Cos it was autumn.
-
(eh?) (Thus combining the twin themes of light
bulb jokes and jokes about things falling out of trees...)
How many Oxford dons does it take to change
a light bulb?
How many sound engineers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One... two... one... two...
How many Manchester United fans does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy
the new commemorative light-bulb changing football strip, and a third to
drive the other two back to Torquay.
How many Spaniards does it take to change
a lightbulb?
How many [2] Tauruses does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
-
2. One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards
with a ten course meal and some great sex.
-
3. One, but just try to convince them that
the burnt-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
How many [3] Geminis does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Two (of course) but it will take all week,
and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French,
and shine any colour you want it to.
-
2. Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet
link and a copy of the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Light Bulbs.'
-
3. Two, but they never change it - they just
keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be
done.
How many [4] Cancerians does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Just one. But it takes a therapist three
years to help them through the grief process.
-
2. Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable
diaper too!
-
3. None: Cancerians would worry themselves
to death with the problem.
How many [5] Leos does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Leos don't change light bulbs, although
sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
-
2. None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry
their own light.
How many [6] Virgos does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Virgos don't have time to change their
own light bulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
-
2. Approximately 1.000000 with an error of
± 1 millionth.
-
3. Let's see: one to spot the bulb, one to
record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to
decide whose fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was
chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as
they're changing the bulb...
How many [7] Libras does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts,
make that two. Is that okay with you?
-
2. Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic
in the dark?
-
3. Well gee, I don't know really. I guess
it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just
one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't
know where to find a new light bulb, or...
How many [8] Scorpios does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
-
2. None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
-
3. That information is strictly secret and
only shared with the inner members of the Hierarchical Order.
How many [9] Sagittarians
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Look, ask me when I get back from India,
okay?
-
2. The sun is shining, the day is young, we've
got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out light bulb?
-
3. A whole bunch: I can only keep them in
the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
How many [10] Capricorns
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None. Capricorns can't afford new light
bulbs - unless they're a legitimate business expense.
-
2. I don't waste my time with these childish
jokes.
-
3. None: why should I bother? It's probably
just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
How many [11] Aquarians
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Well, you have to remember that everything
is energy so...
-
2. A hundred, but they'll all be competing
to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
-
3. Like, why don't you just get out of my
face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really
totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
How many [12] Pisceans does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Huh? The light's out?
-
2. What light bulb?
-
3. None: they concern themselves with inner
light.
How many [13] Arians does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
-
2. Just the one. You want to make something
of it, eh?
-
3. Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
(smash)
References
One note from the upstart compiler
No responsibility can be accepted
for any brow-furrowing, embarrassment or SOHF caused by Notes and Explanations
or other such remarks attached to some of these jokes by previous, doubtless
older and wiser compilers... they're just part of Life's rich tapestry
(why do they do that, anyway? we all knew that stuff, right?) Also, sorry
if any naughty words slipped through - enjoy (delete as appropriate). Out
of my depth? Moi?
[End of document, updated to 31 October
2000, updated]