Bulbs...
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How many Americans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to replace it and one to tell
him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws).
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2. Three. One to stand on the ladder, and
two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
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3. Five. One to screw it in and four to write
the environmental impact statement.
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4. One to do it and the other 156 to blabber
to the world how they've done something better than Canadians (for once).
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5. 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999
to debate whether it it was politically correct.
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How many American soldiers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Twelve. But you also need six British soldiers
for them to blow up and a slew of Pentagon lawyers and spin doctors to
explain "This tragic friendly fire incident".
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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
You wouldn't know because you weren't there,
man, you weren't there!
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How many Native Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they have council fires instead.
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How many northern Californians does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None of your f***ing business and have a nice
day.
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How many Californians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs,
they screw in hot tubs!
-
2. Three - one to change the light bulb and
two to say "Oh Wow!"
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3. Five - one to screw it in and four to sit
in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
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4. Six. One to screw it in, one for support,
and four to share the experience.
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5. Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow
the trend.
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6. Four. One to change the bulb and three
to share the experience.
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How many Oregonians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to do the work and one to hold
the umbrella.
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2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and
four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
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3. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight
to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that
powers it.
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How many hippies from Oregon does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
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How many Alaskan women does it take to change
a light bulb?
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"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have
a light bulb out over here."
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How many Alaskan men does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends
do it. [bitter laugh]
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None of your f***in' business, get outta
my way!
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2. Two - one to get murdered under the burnt-out
bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
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3. Five - one to change the bulb and four
to protect him from muggers.
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4. Twenty-one - one to change it and twenty
to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
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5. Fifty. Fifty? Yeah fifty; it's in the contract.
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How many people from New Jersey does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to
be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
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How many New Jersey State Supreme Court justices
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Fifteen - one to change the bulb, fourteen
to attempt to rehabilitate the old bulb.
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How many people from Savannah does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two - one to change it, and one blue haired
old lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.
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How many Virginians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Four, one to screw in the light bulb and three
to talk about how fine the old one was.
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How many West Virginians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in
West Virginia.
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How many people does it take to change a light
bulb in New Orleans?
-
Three. One to hold the ladder, the second
to screw the lightbulb in, and the third to bribe the public official.
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How many Canadians does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but he has to see an American
do it first.
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2. None, they get an American to do it since
they are so damned proud they know how to do it.
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3. Four. One to spray green paint onto the
bulb so no-one bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest
they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the
others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
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4. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study
committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain
that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest
that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman
from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women
have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to
the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty
on it on the way back, one actually to screw it in, one to collect taxes
on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case
of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
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How many Torontonians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to screw it in, and one to see
if that's how they do it in New York.
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2. Fifty - one to do it and the other forty-nine
to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly
world-class bulb screwing.
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3. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the
parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
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Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour
and a half away from the Centre of the Universe and just off the Interstate
in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians engaging in the old
Canadian tradition of cross-border shopping. On a weekend the parking lot
would be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you were in Canada.
Of course you could not legally return to Canada with more than $25 worth
of goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest, polite and
industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic method
for smuggling clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars
containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue
up Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours later, miraculously,
in the true American tradition of rags to riches, be transformed into trendy
and well-attired Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive
afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada Customs,
leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the exotic malls of
Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday
shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian
dollar. Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while
it lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought
back a lot of memories.
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How many Filipinoes does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting
shot at the airport.
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How many Panamanians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three, one to actually do it and the other
two to get drunk and watch.
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How many Englishmen does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly
good b***** bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked
just fine.
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How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Four. One to change it, one to hold his
racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of
bitter.
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2. Fifteen. One to change the bulb, and fourteen
to tell him what a good batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.
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How many Irishmen does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two. One says to the other, "Could you
turn the light on in here Mick? It's so dark I can't see what I'm doing."
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2. Two, one to hold the lightbulb and one
to drink till the room spins.
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3. One thousand and one. One to hold the light
bulb, and a thousand to push the house round.
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How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One hundred. One to hold the light bulb, and
ninety-nine to drink until the room starts to spin.
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How many Germans does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
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1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
-
2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb
be changed and one to screw it in.
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3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Helga.
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4. Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained
quality control checkers at the Löwenbräu brewery here in the
beautiful city of Munich where they have to carefully check that each and
every stage of the beer brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient
brewing laws laid down in 1516 which set minimum standards for the purity
of the ingredients otherwise they'd be subject to extremely enormous fines
so quality control is a very important job both in terms of the quality
of all the Löwenbräu beers and of course the financial good health
of the company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops not
forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance? What we Germans
lack in humour, we make up for in our beer.
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How many Belgians does it take to change a
light bulb?
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Two. One to change it and one to put some
chips with it.
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How many Norwegians does is take to change
a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell
a long story about it...
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How many Europeans does it take to submit
a light bulb joke?
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Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
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Note: This joke was created after the creator
saw the movie 2010.
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How many Argentinians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Nine thousand and it's their light bulb.
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How many Ukrainians from Chernobyl does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
-
2. None. They just hold it up and it works.
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How many Poles does it take to change a light
bulb?
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Just one, but you need six thousand Russian
troops in case he goes on strike!
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What is the greatest Polish invention?
-
A solar-powered light bulb.
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How many Polish-Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
One hundred and seventy. One to send the Never
Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St Jude may grant
the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb,
ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb
to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organise
a lawn fête and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood
of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new
light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on
St Stanislaus' Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food,
twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else,
one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw
it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the
Monsignor to bless it.
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How many Soviet emigrés does it take
to change a light bulb?
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1. None. Soviet emigrés are used to
sitting in the dark.
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2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
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3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a
hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
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4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold
the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and
to ask which way to turn the chair.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change
a Soviet emigré?
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What do a Soviet emigré and a fifteen-watt
light bulb have in common?
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Neither one is very bright.
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A Soviet emigré climbs on a dinner
table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under
his dirty sneakers. "Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
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How many African Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
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1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive
the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
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2. Four hundred to march on the power company
and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans
to do it.
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How many Ethiopians does it take to change
a light bulb?
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Three. One to change it and two to squabble
over who gets to eat the packaging.
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How many Italian-Americans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
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I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's
father's boss' secretary's sister's next-door neighbour's priest's cousin's
union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus Club Seargant-of-Arms'
nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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How many Italians does it take to change a
light bulb?
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Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle
it with Parmesan.
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(Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of
sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell
convincingly of sick.)
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How many Asians does it take to change a light
bulb?
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Three. One to change it and two to go to the
Cash & Carry.
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How many Serbs does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Two - one to shoot the old bulb out and one
to screw the new one in.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity
anymore.
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How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change
a light bulb?
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1. One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe
keeping.....
-
2. Eight; two to break down the door and kill
the family, five to loot the house, and one to change the bulb.
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How many Iranians does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One hundred - one to screw it in and ninety-nine
to hold the house hostage.
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How many Shiites does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer
a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate
with Israel and the U.S. for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage
around the world!!
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How many Israelis does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Six - four to storm the room and take control
of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it
in.
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How many Arabs does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors
to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.
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How many Australians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. Australians can find beer in a dark
fridge.
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2. Two. One to say "She'll be right mate"
and one to fetch the beers.
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3. Sixteen. One to change the bulb and fifteen
to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"
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How many New Zealanders does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep
first.
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How many Prince Edward Islanders does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None, if it's winter. No one wants to lose
their pougy (unemployment insurance).
-
2. 65,000 people for thirteen weeks (in the
summer) then quit and go on pougy for the rest of the year!
-
How many armies does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
At least five. The Germans to start it, the
French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the
Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other
side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the
credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
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How many politicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
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1. Two. One to change it, and another one
to change it back again.
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2. Two. One to change it, and another one
to take the credit.
-
3. Two. One to hold a press conference to
inform the public that everything possible is being done to ratify the
situation while another one screws the light bulb into the water faucet.
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4. Four, one to change it and the other three
to deny it.
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How many dead politicians does it take to
change a light bulb?
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How many (generals/politicians) does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000
to rebuild civilisation to the point where they need light bulbs again.
-
2. None, they can all see by the light at
the end of the tunnel.
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How many U.S. Presidents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, the constitution says that only Congress
can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark,
which is why we need a Constitutional amendment.
-
2. Only one. If he can handle 250,000,000
people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
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How many government officials does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme
Court - to determine its constitutionality.
-
How many presidential candidates does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Fewer and fewer all the time.
-
How many believable, competent, "just right
for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
-
It's going to be a dark four years, isn't
it?
-
How many presidential campaign staff does
it need to change a light bulb?
-
Two hundred and twenty! One to write a speech
about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write
a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe",
eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb
failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's
families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in
general, any form of energy.
-
How many aides does it take to change President
Reagan's light bulb?
-
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
-
How long does it take Dan Quayle to change
a light bulb?
-
A long time. He's got to learn to spell before
he can read the instructions on the box.
-
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I
feel your pain", and gets Congress to pass a billion dollar light security
bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making light
bulbs free.
-
2. None - he'll only promise "change."
-
3. Two - one to promise he'll do it better
than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
-
How many Presidential family members does
it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
-
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the
rest of the White House.
-
How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
The number is irrelevant; they just stand
around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
-
How many people does it take to throw away
a one WATT bulb??
-
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
-
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior
secretary James Watt in 1983.
-
Note: probably the only really good light
bulb joke of 1984.
-
How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs
to Iran.
-
How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going
to screw a light bulb in or not!
-
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for
a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
-
How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver
North sold his light bulb to Iran.
-
How many senators does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to
constitute a quorum.
-
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
-
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None, at least until we get some corroborating
witnesses.
-
How many Reagans does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. What light bulb?
-
Note: topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
-
2. Just one - Nancy.
-
Note: topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy
and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987.
-
How many Reaganists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Ten: one to deny that the bulb is burned out,
one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame
the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb
burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that
will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene
lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one
former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the
kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene
importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
-
How many Perot supporters does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None, they all just quit and go home!
-
2. "Let me show you this chart!!"
-
How many economists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing,
market forces would have already caused it to happen.
-
2. None. They assume the problem away.
-
3. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to
change the bulb.
-
4. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and
one to change the bulb.
-
5. None. If the government would just leave
it
alone, it would screw itself in.
-
How many Conservative economists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. None. The invisible hand does it.
-
2. None. "There is no need to change the light
bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys
show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
-
3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter!
It's definitely getting brighter!!!
-
How many supply-siders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb
to change by itself.
-
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. "Well it's not really a question of
should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a
question of... (blah blah waffle)"
-
How many Liberals does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. One Liberal and twenty-eight delegates
representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
-
2. Two - one to do it and the other to keep
the first one's knee from jerking.
-
3. None: they can't remove the old ones since
they are already part of the environment.
-
How many Republicans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, they only screw the poor.
-
2. None, they turned that responsibility over
to the states.
-
3. Two. One to do it and one to steady the
chandelier.
-
How many Alan Keyes Republicans does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
How many Conservatives does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the
merit of the previous bulb.
-
How many Labour Party members does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
-
How many Libertarians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's
his business.
-
2. None, because somebody might come into
the room who likes to sit in the dark.
-
How many Green Party members does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn
out, so they don't know how.
-
How many MPs does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to
form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
-
How many Tory MPs does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. Two, one to screw it in and the other to
hang himself accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act
involving women's underwear.
-
2. I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light
bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require
is commercially sensitive.
-
How many Thatcherites does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. It's up to the private sector to provide
the finance for it.
-
How many John Majors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One not to do anything about it and one
to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put
the original bulb in place seventeen years ago.
-
How many Home Secretaries does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None - they merely sack someone else for letting
it go out.
-
How many Union Electricians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Seventeen - one to give the bulb to the screw-inner.
One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold
the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to
make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise.
Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot
the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin
'n' tonics with the yuppies.
-
How many British Trades Unionists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. They cannot interfere with the light
bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
-
How many Russian leaders does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last
as long as light bulbs.
-
2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from
a cold.
-
How many Communists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second
to hand out leaflets.
-
2. One, but it takes him about thirty years
to realise that the old one has burnt out.
-
How many Socialists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One to petition the Ministry of Light for
a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia
to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one surreptitiously
to dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
-
How many Marxists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None, the seeds of revolution and change are
within the light bulb itself.
-
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
-
2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and
one to control the means of production!
-
How many KGB agents does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to screw it in and the other to
check it for microphones.
-
2. Three: one who knows how to change it,
one who knows how the light switch works and one to keep an eye on the
dangerous intellectuals.
-
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
-
How many Maoists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to
chant "Fight Darkness!"
-
How many IBM CPUs does it take to turn on
a light bulb?
-
Thirty-three - one to process the instruction
and thirty-two to process the interrupt.
-
How many nerds does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
1. They don't have time. They are too busy
taking pictures of themselves in their office.
-
2. Four. One to hold the light bulb ready,
one to hold the ladder, one to set up the computer, and one to log on to
this web site.
-
How does an engineer change a light bulb?
-
As long as lighting levels are within operational
parameters, he doesn't!
-
How many aerospace engineers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist,
you know.
-
How many rocket scientists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
None, they just tell Marcus to do it.
-
How many electrical engineers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on
a part.
-
How many software engineers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None: "We'll document it in the manual."
-
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
-
3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building
will probably fall down.
-
4. if (you == "Bill Gates") hold(light_bulb)
&& let_revolve_around(world, you); endif
-
5. Two. One always leaves in the middle of
the project.
-
6. Four. One to design the change, one to
implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
-
7. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage
the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of
the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at
least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, two hundred
and seventy-four users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to
tender for another light bulb change...
-
8. Five. Two to write the specification program,
one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
-
9. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's
try it again.
-
10. It's hard to say. Each time we separate
the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
-
11. The change is 90% complete.
-
12. We looked at the light fixture and decided
there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from
scratch. Could you wait two months?
-
13. Only one, but she's not available. She's
the only programmer we have who can get the <<insert name here>>
software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
-
14. Of course, as everyone knows, just five
years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change
a light bulb.
-
How many shareware authors does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. This feature is only available in registered
versions.
-
How many software testers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. We just recognised darkness, fixing
it is someone else's problem.
-
How many real programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
-
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
-
How many maintenance programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They try to fix the old one.
-
How many C programmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, they forgot to declare it first.
-
How long does it take a C programmer to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Twenty-four hours - three minutes to put in
the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
-
How many C++ programmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly
designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic
light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
-
2. Only one, but it takes him all night, and
when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet don't work.
-
3. At least a dozen, but it's impossible to
tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going
"That's me, over there!"
-
How many Object Oriented programmers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
None, they send it a message, and it changes
itself.
-
How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Four hundred. One to change the bulb, fifty
to write a magazine about it, fifty to write a help file about it, fifty
to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the
names of the team involved, fifty to go down to the drinks machine and
get everyone their can of coke, fifty to show off about how installing
a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, one to answer the
phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert,
Sir... click"), one hundred and forty-eight to pad out the pictures in
the "Light Bulb - How We Did It" magazine.
-
How many people does it take to change an
object-oriented light bulb?
-
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse
it.
-
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
How many BASIC programmers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
10 push bulb upwards: twist bulb clockwise
20 goto 10
-
How many games machine programmers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
One, but he needs the seal of approval from
Nintendo before he can put his light bulb in their socket.
-
How many Prolog programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
How many Lisp programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
-
Note: LISP is a recursive programming language.
One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion
(cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion). These lisp heads
are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline.
It could be improved:
-
2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better)))
(find (out))...
-
How many database people does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three: one to write the light bulb removal
program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act
as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change
the light bulb at the same time.
-
How many tech writers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. "The user can work it out."
-
How many developers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
The light bulb works fine on the system in
my office . . .
-
How many QA engineers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
-
Three: one to screw it in and two to say "I
told you so" when it doesn't work.
-
How many computer salespeople does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you
need to upgrade your socket to the '486 version.
-
How many software vendors does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None: you have to do it yourself, pay them
$99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
-
How many field service engineers does it take
to replace a dead light bulb?
-
1. Who can tell. FSEs are always in the dark.
-
2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound
it in (etc).
-
3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine,
so it's a software problem.
-
How many hardware guys does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy,
so it's a software problem."
-
How long will it take?
-
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many
dead bulbs they've brought with them.
-
What if you have two dead bulbs?
-
They replace your fuse box.
-
How many system administrators does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None, they just deny everyone access to the
area served by the light bulb in question.
-
How many IBM staff does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they
add value to photon emitter units.
-
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. They just let Marketing explain that
"Dead Bulb" is a feature.
-
How many IBM programmers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Thirty-three. One to change the lightbulb
and the other thirty-two to write fourteen volumes of documentation of
which half consists of pages containing only "This page left intentionally
blank" and the other half definitions such as "'bulb' can be defined as
a glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see volume
IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For Illumination") designed
to mate with a housing integral to the ceiling referred to as a "socket"
(see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets";
if uncertain of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets
- A Preliminary Identification Guide")."
-
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and
buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
-
2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the
new bulb for viruses first.
-
How many IBM tech writers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. Just one, provided there's an engineer
around to explain how to do it.
-
2. One hundred. Ten to do it, and ninety to
write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source
System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
-
How many Pentium designers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. None - it will be fined (fixed?) in the
next version.
-
2. None - with the billions of working light
bulbs in the world, your odds of being next to a burned-out one are so
small it will never be a problem for you.
-
3. They aren't certain, everytime they do
the math, they get a different number.
-
4. 1.99904274017, but that's close enough
for non-technical people.
-
5. Three. One to screw in the bulb and the
other to hold the ladder....
-
6. 586 of them, and it will take them a year
from the moment you convince them that the light bulb is not functioning
per the spec.
-
How many Microsoft engineers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None. They just define darkness as an industry
standard.
-
How many Microsoft employees does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every
single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
-
2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to
make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
in the world.
-
3. Only about six or seven hundred, but it
takes them at least two years because they have to see how the Apple Computer
people are doing it first so they can steal the technique.
-
How many Microsoft technicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw
the bulb into a faucet.
-
Note: Very similar to the bureaucrats joke.
-
How many MS tech supports does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be
using a non-standard socket."
-
How many operating systems are required to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Just one - Microsoft is making a special version
of Windows for it.
-
How many Windows programmers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write
WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write
WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
-
How many Windows users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that
it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
-
How many Macintosh engineers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
None - it has to be done by a local authorised
dealer.
-
How many Apple employees does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design
the tee-shirts.
-
How many Apple programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket
will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
-
How many Mac owners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None - there's no documentation available,
so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
-
2. Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
-
3. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't
compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or
a new light.
-
4. Two: one to ask the socket to eject the
old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
-
5. Three: one to change the bulb, one to copyright
the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone
who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
-
6. Mac users don't screw, they just click
the genital icon.
-
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done
while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will
use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing
the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function
of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
-
How many light bulbs does it take to screw
Netscape?
-
Four. One for employees of non-profit organisations,
one for students and educators, one for people who can read a licence agreement,
one for people who expect a company to keep its word.
-
Note: refers to Netscape Corp., which distributed
betas of their Web browser for free, announcing that the final version
will be free also. Once the final version was out, they changed their mind.
Only for students, educators and employees of non-profit organisations
does it remain free.
-
How many Unix hacks does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. As many as you want; they're all virtual,
anyway.
-
2. One, but first he has to determine the
correct path.
-
3. Let's see, can you use a shell script for
that or does it need a C program?
-
How many Unix programmers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>"
he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
-
How many Unix support staff does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
How many Unix system vendors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. All of the light bulbs you have are
'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation
of the socket. (However, you do have the source code for your socket, so
.....)
-
How many VMS heads does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. All of them, and they will all scream at
you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt
soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured
by DEC.
-
2. "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I
could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be
fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."
-
How many DEC employees does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Ninety-two - as follows:
-
Two People - Preliminary discussion of concept
change.
-
One Person - Devise and write formal bulb
architecture.
-
Two People - Feasibility study and timetable
of events.
-
Two People - Produce four utilities to reduce
screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
-
One Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards
(sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
-
Four People - Commonality task force on bulb
change.
-
Fifteen People - Change bulb.
-
Five People - Perform bulb functional test.
-
Two People - Perform bulb load test.
-
Three People - Perform bulb regression test.
-
One Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
-
One Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
-
One Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
-
One Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
-
One Person - Interface with users. (Did they
want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
-
Five People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket
Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study.
-
Three People - Ensure form (round/square,
clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet,
flashing, flood/spot).
-
Three People - Implement temporary alternative
bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
(bulb-in-one).
-
Five People - Determine how to market/package/distribute
temporary alternative bulb socket.
-
Ten People - Determine how to perform bulb
change product split (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation
- screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
-
One Person - Interface with Utilities Commission
quality assurance group.
-
One Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution
Center).
-
One Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports)
system.
-
Ten People - Answer customer BPRs.
-
Eleven People - Football team to challenge
bulb changers.
-
How long does it take a DEC repairman to change
a light bulb?
-
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs
he brought with him.
-
How long does it take a DEC field service
engineer to change a lightbulb?
-
It depends on how many bad ones he brought
with him.
-
How many baby sitters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, they don't make Pampers small enough.
-
SubGenius: How many SubGenii does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Pink: I don't know. How many?
-
SubGenius: Give me ten dollars and I'll tell
you.
-
Pink: Um, well, okay, here...
-
How many O.J. Simpson jurors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. They voted it "not dark".
-
How many editors does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but first they have to rewire
the entire building.
-
2. Two - one to change the bulb and one to
issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
-
How many managing editors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
You were supposed to have changed that light
bulb last week!
-
How many art directors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Does it have to be a light bulb?
-
How many copy editors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
The last time this question was asked, it
involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the
other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
-
How many proof readers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Proof readers aren't supposed to change light
bulbs. They should just query them.
-
How many cover artists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Why is there... an egg beater, I think?...
sticking out of this light fixture?
-
How many cover blurb writers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA
TO SHINING SEA!!!!
-
How many publishers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down
the author.
-
How many journalists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Three. One to report it as an inspired government
program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer
Prize for reporting that the Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin
to break the bulb in the first place.
-
How many computer journalists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Five - one to write a review of all the existing
light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a
remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have
a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and
updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumour that that
new bulb is shipping with a virus.
-
How many brewers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One-third as many as for a regular bulb.
-
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Sorry, we closed eighteen seconds ago, and
I've just cashed up.
-
How many waiters does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a
waiter's eye.
-
How many waitresses does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. Two to stand around bitching about
it and one to go get the manager.
-
How many librarians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
-
How many cataloguers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
One, but the Library of Congress has to do
it first.
-
How many loggers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. They think it will grow back on its
own.
-
2. One, but he uses a chainsaw.
-
3. They can't do it, the light will disturb
the spotted owls.
-
Note: this is based on recent successful environmentalist
pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted
owl species.
-
How many Dixons assistants does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few
weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
-
How many pawnbrokers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. It's of no interest to them.
-
How many grocery store cashiers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Are you kidding? They won't even change a
five dollar bill.
-
How many London taxi drivers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent)
What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate!
-
How many firemen does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Four - one to change the bulb and three to
cut a hole in the roof.
-
How many auto mechanics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Six - one to force it with a hammer and
five to go out for more bulbs.
-
2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has
until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll
have to replace the whole socket.
-
How many Mafia members does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the light bulb and one
to kill the witness.
-
How many teamsters does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
-
2. FIFTEEN!! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
-
How many Honour Guards does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Twenty-two, one to screw it in, twenty-one
to shoot the bulb.
-
How many U.S. Marines does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Fifty. One to screw in the light bulb and
the remaining forty-nine to guard him.
-
How many fighter pilots does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Only one because the world revolves around
him.
-
How many cops does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
-
1. None. It turned itself in.
-
2. None, it fell down the stairs, Sir.
-
3. Just one, but he is never around when you
need him.
-
How many hunters does it take to screw a light
bulb into a left-handed socket?
-
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket,
but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.
-
How many hunt sabs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy
footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
-
How many police does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three. One to change it and two to direct
traffic (eh?)
-
How many LA cops does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Six - one to do it and five to smash the old
bulb to splinters.
-
How many bailiffs does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the
kidneys, and eight to stand around such that none of this gets caught on
camera.
-
How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Five. One actually to screw in the light bulb,
one to carry him out of the ring, one to tell him who put the lights out,
two to count the money, and it all only takes ninety-one seconds!
-
How many thought police does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
None. There never was any light bulb.
-
How many disaster recovery planners does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup
facilities in West Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already
glowing brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of
failure of the primary bulb.
-
How many Federal employees does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
-
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw
it up.
-
2. Two. One to assure everyone that everything
possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
-
3. Five - one to change the light bulb and
the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
-
4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
to authorise a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file
the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to
forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to
receive the bulb....
-
5. Seven - one to supervise, one to arrange
for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality
standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state and
federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out
the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
-
6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times
before she finally finishes screwing it up.
-
7. None, we contract out for things like that.
-
How many standards body officials does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
How many safety inspectors does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Four. One to change it and three to hold the
ladder.
-
How many civil servants does it take to change
the light bulb?
-
Forty-five. One to change the bulb, and forty-four
to do the paperwork.
-
How many city planners does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending
a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the
newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.
-
How many municipal employees does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service
examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner
of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway,
one to plough the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student actually to
screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that it's the electrician's
job to screw in light bulbs.
-
How many Pentagon procurement officers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up
this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
-
How many efficiency experts does it take to
replace a light bulb?
-
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark
bulbs.
-
How many NASA technicians does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and
when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it
till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
-
How many NASA managers does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
-
"That's a known problem... don't worry about
it."
-
How many mathematicians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
-
2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby
reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
-
3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby
reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
-
4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He
gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier
joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can
change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if
one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed
the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew
P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986.
-
How many statisticians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. This should be determined using a nonparametric
procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
-
2. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist,
one economist, one sociologist and one anthropologist to pull away the
ladder.
-
3. One - plus or minus three (small sample
size).
-
Note: someone has been asking this as a bonus
question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some
of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb
is negatively or positively screwed.
-
How many public opinion researchers does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
-
With what degree of certainty do you need
to know?
-
How many theoretical physicists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. If you know how many, you can't know if
they've done it yet.
-
2. If you want to know how many, you can observe
them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
-
3. The probability that the light bulb will
actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've
been waiting.
-
How many nuclear engineers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six
to determine what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
-
How many astronomers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
-
How many radio astronomers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. They are not interested in that short-wave
stuff.
-
How many school teachers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Let's see: 2 A+s, 3 As, 5 A-s, 11 B+s,
9 Bs, 21 B-s...
-
2. None. Anything not completed during the
lesson is added to the homework.
-
3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
-
4. On the space shuttle, one million and one.
One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.
-
How many university professors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't
change anymore.
-
2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports
out of it.
-
How many Ph.D. thesis supervisors (advisors)
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. Only one; but every time they see a light
bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
-
2. One - if you can find him (or her)!
-
How many academics does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. None. That's what research students are
for.
-
2. Five: one to write the grant proposal,
one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one
to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the
work.
-
How many signal processing engineers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
Three. One to Fourier transform the light
bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator,
and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb.
-
How many environmental compliance professionals
does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Twenty-one: one to change the bulb, ten to
figure out how to dispose of the old one, and ten to apply to the regulatory
agencies for a disposal permit.
-
How many Greenpeace researchers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two, one to put in the new one and one to
recycle the old one.
-
How many laboratory heads (senior researchers,
etc.) does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other
four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
-
How many research technicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
One, but it'll probably take him/her three
or four tries to get it right.
-
How many post-doctoral fellows does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
One, but it'll probably take three or four
tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician
to do.
-
How many Stanford researchers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn
the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.
-
How many Stanford professors does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
One to write a paper claiming that light is
a pig whitey invention, one to organise a Darkness Studies program, and
one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
-
How many quantum physicists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise
the wave function.
-
(Explanation - renormalising the wave function
is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations
to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out
as one.)
-
How many quantum mechanicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
They can't. If they know where the socket
is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
-
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
If you know the number, you don't know where
the light bulb is.
-
How many scientists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They use them as controls in double
blind trials.
-
How many company biotechnologists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design
the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the
bulb.
-
How many freelance biotechnologists does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall,
unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
-
How many veterinarians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Three. One to change the bulb and two more
to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
-
How many doctors does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. That depends on whether it has health insurance.
-
2. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one
to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
-
3. None. They just tell it to take two asprin
and come round to the surgery later.
-
4. None. They only sign the death certificate
and phone the mortuary.
-
5. None. They would diagnose depression and
prescribe benzodiazapines.
-
6. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to
tell him which end to screw in.
-
How many dentists does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic,
one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink
mouthwash.
-
How many surgeons does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. They would wait for a suitable donor
and do a filament transplant.
-
2. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket
as you aren't using it now.
-
How many orthopaedic surgeons does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Why don't you just let us take out the socket?
You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
-
How many chiropractors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Never let a chiropractor change a light
bulb! They always twist it until it pops!
-
2. Only one, but it takes nine visits.
-
How many physiotherapists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises
to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
-
How many neurophysiologists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine
it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube
of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one
to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump
to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the
new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the
whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent
people happily employed doing something totally useless.
-
How many emergency room technicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
One, but the bulb will have to spend forty-five
minutes in the waiting room.
-
How many NHS hospital staff does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to
take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply
an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the
late bulb in a post-mortem.
-
2. Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working
and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance
department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it
priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be
done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's
pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks
up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty light bulb. He fits bulb
or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports
back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is
checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then
checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines.
Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department
work plan. Details go into department's workload report.
-
(Allegedly true version - believe it if you
will.)
-
How many psychologists / psychiatrists does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
1. None. The bulb will change itself when
it is ready.
-
2. Just one, but the light bulb has to really
WANT to change.
-
2a. Only one, but it takes a really long time
and the light bulb has to want to change.
-
3. How long have you been having this phantasy?
-
4. How many do you think it takes?
-
How many Freudians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change
the penis. Oops! I mean, er, the light bulb.
-
How many undertakers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. They just paint them black and go on
using them.
-
How many aerobics instructors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and
one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left,
and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and
put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to
the right..."
-
How many stockbrokers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E.
STOCK NOW!!!!!
-
2. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop
it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's
already burned out).
-
3. 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
-
How many executives does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to
discuss all the ramifications of the change.
-
How many quality managers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
We've formed a quality circle to study the
problem of why light bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we
as managers can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.
-
How many admin. assistants does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None. I can't do anything unless you complete
a light bulb design change request form.
-
How many marketing directors does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
It isn't too late to make this neon instead,
is it?
-
How many sales directors does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light
bulb jokes, right?
-
How many accountants does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. What kind of answer did you have in mind?
-
2. None - just assume it's changed.
-
How many consultants does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. How many can you afford?
-
2. It depends on how much of the building
needs to be rewired.
-
3. I'll have an estimate for you a week from
Monday.
-
4. I can't possibly answer that question without
a full study of the problem.
-
5. We don't know. They never get past the
feasibility study.
-
Note how even with all those answers, it is
still not known how many it actually takes.
-
How many PR people does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
I don't know, but I'll get back to you on
that.
-
Note: believe it or not, this joke cracks
up reporters because PR people try to force reporters to work their stories
by talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually knows anything...
so he/she is always responding as in the punchline.
-
How many hookers does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None - they get screwed - they don't usually
do the screwing.
-
2. None. "Who needs lights?"
-
3. That depends. If it's a red light, they'll
all fight over it, otherwise you'd have a better chance getting them to
change a $20.
-
How many porn actresses does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Well, it looks like two of them are really
doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They're just faking it.
-
How many massage parlor attendants does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
-
How many lawyers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. How many can you afford?
-
2. None, lawyers only screw us.
-
3. Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're
looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
-
4. None, lawyers prefer to keep their clients
in the dark.
-
5. That depends... how many do you want it
to take?
-
6. None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But,
you'll get the following bill:
-
Item: Light Bulb
-
Charge $2185 (Itemisation of bill charges)
-
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400
-
Connectivity charge $ 100
-
Staff charge $ 250
-
Secretary-prepared bill $ 2
-
Research fee $ 422
-
Consulting fee $ 431
-
Paralegal processing fees $ 25
-
Specialised equipment $ 122
-
Bought bulb $ 5
-
Overnight express delivery $ 34
-
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394
-
7. It only takes one to change your bulb to
his bulb.
-
8. Three. One to change it and two to keep
interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
-
9. Three. One to climb the ladder, one to
shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
-
10. Three. One to sue the power company for
insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge
that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician
who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
-
11. Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get
a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents,
one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards,
one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order
a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional
services.
-
(Another huge answer is at the bottom of this
file).
-
How many law professors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Hell, you need two hundred and fifty just
to lobby for the research grant.
-
How many referral agents does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two: one to screw you out of a fee, and the
other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
-
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
1. That's proprietary information. Answer
available from AT&T on payment of licence fee (binary only).
-
2. Nearly unanswerable, since the one who
tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning
session.
-
3. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get
the phone number of one of their subordinates actually to change it.
-
How many ice skaters does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire
a hitman to club the other skater on the knee.
-
How many jugglers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
-
How many magicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Depends on what you want to change it into.
-
How many circus performers does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. Four: one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go!
-
2. Four. One to change the bulb and three
to sing "Ta Da!"
-
How many newsmen does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
-
How many NBC news producers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb
so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on
the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
-
How many American standup comedians does it
take to change a light bulb?
-
You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The
other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started
telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their
turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson
doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb.
FEEEEEELINGS....
-
How many TV comedians does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say
"Sock it to Me."
-
Notes: Sock It = Socket. Also, the phrase
was from "Laugh In".
-
How many folk-dancers does it take to change
a light-bulb?
-
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when
they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction
to a dance they want to do.
-
How many square-dancers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
Four, and you have to walk them through it
a few times.
-
How many Techno dancers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to
bring Ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the
light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from Ecstasy, three
to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
-
How many guitarists/actors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
One hundred. One to screw it in and ninety-nine
to say, "Oh, I can do that."
-
How many guitarists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Five. One to change it, and four to stand
around going "Huh! I could've done that!"
-
2. Five: one to do it and four to say that
they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
-
How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Five: one to change the bulb and four to get
in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
-
How many flute players does it to take to
change a light bulb?
-
Five: one to change the bulb, one to pull
the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better
they would have done it.
-
How many French horn players does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking
the bulb for alignment and leaks.
-
Do you know how many musicians it takes to
screw in a light bulb?
-
1. No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll
fake it.
-
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and
four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could
have done that."
-
3. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn
the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
-
How many country/folk singers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write
a song about how good the old light bulb was.
-
How many female opera singers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break
it.
-
How many sopranos does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. Only one, but it takes a while for the
world to revolve around her.
-
2. Three. One to climb up the ladder, one
to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that
was too high for you dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section).
-
3. One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine
to discuss how it was really too high for her.
-
How many altos does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Five; one to change the bulb, and four to
whine "It's too high!"
-
How many tenors does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Three - one to do it and two to stand there
and tell each other how they could have done it better.
-
How many baritones does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
None, they just let the tenors do the work.
-
How many basses does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
-
Who cares? Basses can't read music anyway!
-
How many classical music singers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary
strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
-
How many conductors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course,
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
-
How many Country and Western singers does
it take to change a light bulb?
-
Four. One to change it, one to sing about
how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how
madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah!" and
throw his hat in the air.
-
How many second violinists does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
None, they don't get up that high.
-
How many trumpet players does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Six. One actually to do it, and five to stand
around and talk about how much better they could have done it.
-
How many sax players does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine
to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
-
2. Just one, but he has to go through a whole
box to find just the right one.
-
How many alto sax players does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to
contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
-
How many banjo players does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round
will complain that that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
-
How many contrabassoon players does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four
to figure out the fingerings.
-
How many bassists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
-
1. None. The keyboardist does it with his
left hand.
-
2. None, we're too cool to change light bulbs.
-
3. It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
-
4. Just one, but the guitarist has to show
him first.
-
5. Five - one to do it and four to beat back
all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
-
How many keyboardists does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. One to light a candle and say it's just
as good as electric light.
-
2. None: "I've got a candle that looks just
like it."
-
3. Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent,
candles - anything you want.
-
4. "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do.
You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next
month GE will be coming out ...."
-
5. Only one, but if you wait until next month,
Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
-
6. Two: one to screw in the bulb, and one
to patch it into the Korg.
-
7. Two: one to change the bulb and one to
say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
-
(With apologies for some slight overlapping
of the answers here.)
-
How many lead singers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None. Get the drummer to do it.
-
How many drummers does it take to change a
light bulb?
-
1. None. They have a machine that does that
now.
-
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before
figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
-
3. One, but only after asking "Why?"
-
4. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn
his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
-
5. Ten. One to change the light bulb and the
other nine to dicuss how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd or Neil Paert) would
have done it!
-
6. One .. two, and a-one two three four!
-
How many roadies/sound men does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
1. One, two! One, two! One, two!
-
2. None. "I don't do lights. That's the light
crew's job."
-
3. One: upon finding no replacement, he takes
the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape,
changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable,
and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to
the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
-
How many security guards at a Grateful Dead
concert does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Twenty-one: one to change the bulb, the rest
fatally to beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light.
-
(Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
-
How many Dead-Heads does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
10,001..... One to change the light bulb and
10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!!
-
How many Frank Zappas does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
None, the light bulb is not dead, it just
smells funny.
-
Note: Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among
other styles)) commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead - it just
smells funny."
-
How many Bluegrass musicians it takes to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Two - one to screw it in and one to complain
that it is electrified.
-
2. Three, one to do it and two to argue about
whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
-
3. It doesn't matter because the banjo player
is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.
-
4. They don't. They only use acoustic light
bulbs.
-
How many Blues musicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might
be a light bulb there and the other to play harp.
-
How many CD player users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck...
-
How many LP player users does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck...
getting stuck... getting stuck...
-
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
-
How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change it and one to sit around
looking bored.
-
How many punk rockers does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Two: one to screw in the bulb and the other
to smash the old one on his forehead.
-
2. Three. One to do it and two to argue about
who did it first.
-
Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about
whether the first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead
Kennedys etc.
-
How many actors does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
1. Only one. They don't like to share the
spotlight.
-
2. Two. One to change the light bulb and one
to say "What's the big deal, I could have done that."
-
3. Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace
the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
-
4. A finite number F. One to change it and
F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.
-
How many actresses does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
One, but you should have seen the line outside
the producer's hotel room.
-
How many mimes does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
How many Wizard of Oz characters does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
None, because the scarecrow is too dumb to
do it, the tin man doesn't have the heart, the lion is afraid he'll get
electrocuted, Dorothy keeps calling "Aunty Em!" and the wicked witch keeps
screaming "flip the damn switch!"
-
How many Scarlett O'Haras does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
-
How many movie directors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Four!... No! Two... No Three.
-
2. Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two
times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much
better.
-
How many Directors does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. What do you think? (Theatre humour)
-
2. Three. No, five. No, you go away - four.
YES! Four! Perfect!
-
How many stage managers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
-
1. That's not your concern. It will be done
by opening night.
-
2. Union rules prevent the changing of light
bulbs by unskilled employees lacking the skills of lighting technicians.
If they wish, a stage mangaer can request that the production manager hires
a lighting designer. This designer can make plans for the overall appearance
of the light. Having done this, the designer must consult with the stage
manager and the production manager to confirm both the practical and the
financial position of the company. Given the process is viable, the lighting
designer can consult the director as to the artistic elements of the aforesaid
project. Given approval at all these steps, the lighting designer and the
production manager can carry out an interview process. The lighting technician
who is hired can then check process viability, before requesting a cheque
from the production manager. The lighting technician can then purchase
a light bulb from the furthest but cheapest lighting supplier, preferably
Electric Sunshine Lighting in Sydney Australia. Upon arrival, the light
bulb can be checked by the technician and he can request that the stage
manager helps him with the ladder while he changes the light bulb in the
men's toilet at the Fringe Club Theatre in Hong Kong.
-
How many lighting designers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
-
How many theatre electricians does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
-
1. Lamp! It's a goddamned lamp!
-
2. One to get the ladder, one to take out
the old lamp, one to throw away the old lamp, etc.
-
3. One, but it's still a four hour call (union
stagehands get paid four hours minimum just for walking in the door).
-
How many screenwriters does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
"Why do we have to change it?"
-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw
in light bulb?
-
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way
in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
-
How many science fiction writers does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
1. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and
one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic
power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
-
2. Two, but it's actually the same person
doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then
the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to
reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light
bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a
parallel universe, though.
-
How many poets does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light
a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.
-
How many Surrealists does it take to change
a light bulb?
-
1. Bathtub full of powertools.
-
2. Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other
to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
-
3. Fish.
-
4. Two. One to change it and one to throw
a bucket of water out the window.
-
(An interesting story about this joke - it
was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked
correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected
by a loud chorus of "No, it's a fish!")
-
How many fish does it take to change a light
bulb?
-
How many performance artists does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
Two. One to change the light bulb and the
other to put the power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.